The Hallmark Christmas Movie Characters of the NFL Season

With less than a month left in the NFL regular season, we can see the storybooks being written on the year; once we enter the December territory of the league being allowed to have games played on Saturdays, the light towards the postseason spots and fans romanticizing championship DVDs begin to enter our minds. 

It’s also so cold out that you’re likely staying in and watching two things currently: football or Hallmark Christmas movies.

Just as football is played yearly and the cyclical season is comfort food, the Hallmark Christmas model recycles the same comforting formula with different settings and character names; we even got Christmas in the Spotlight inspired by the Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift relationship.

If we’re making parallels, we will cast the characters of the 2024 NFL season as seen through the lens of a Hallmark Christmas movie.

The “Jaded Divorcee That Finds Love During the Holidays” // Sean Payton, Denver Broncos Head Coach

Often in Hallmark movies, there’s the main character who has been burnt by love in the past and will refuse to embrace a romance only to open up their heart again because, as John Mayer once said, “No one wants to be alone at Christmas time!”

That goes to Denver Broncos head coach Sean Payton. Payton won a Super Bowl in New Orleans with Drew Brees in what was one of the most iconic head coach-QB duos of the era but suffered an identity crisis when Brees retired in which he had to do his best with a poo platter of journeymen quarterbacks, and briefly retired in 2021. There was even an unflattering movie made about him about his time spent during the suspension in which Kevin James plays him.

He then went on a press tour for vacancies and landed with the Denver Broncos with Mr. Unlimited, Russell Wilson, in what was the most unhealthy marriage we’ve ever seen. It was clear Payton and Wilson didn’t get along from the start, and the Broncos benched and then cut the man with $85 million of guaranteed money. Payton looked as miserable as can be on the sidelines throughout the marriage.

Payton has been on a hateful spite tour since the divorce, trying to prove he’s still got it and can win without Brees, so when he drafted Bo Nix, one of the oldest quarterbacks in the draft, and then compared him to Patrick Mahomes, it felt like a reach.

Instead, the Broncos are winning with defense. Payton has made Nix’s life easy as a developing rookie with short-game pass plays and put him behind the best offensive line. The Denver Broncos will snap a decade-long playoff drought with their odds up to 91% at their 9-5 record. Payton seems to have found the joy in coaching again with this rookie project, 3-interception games and all!

The “Big City to Small Town Romantic Figure” // Sam Darnold, Minnesota Vikings QB

Ah, yes, the wealthy big cat that has to go back home to the comfort of a small town and be humbled reluctantly- maybe they’re out of touch with reality, they’re forced to go because of business reasons, or encounter a family issue during the Christmas season, but the forced change of scenery helps them find love for either someone else or the holidays.

PHOTO: Brad Rempel/Imagn Images

Sam Darnold was THE golden boy quarterback from the University of Southern California, drafted third overall by the QB-hungry Jets in 2018. Darnold was crucified by the New York media (including a terrible mononucleosis graphic and a sound byte of him “seeing ghosts” during a game), went 13-25, and then was traded for pennies to the Carolina Panthers before serving as a backup there and then last year in San Francisco. As Darnold was the youngest quarterback drafted in 2018, there were plenty of analysts who were pounding their fists on the table as “SAMpathizers” or, in the Darnold hive, blaming his circumstances.

Darnold stepped in for Minnesota this year as their rookie quarterback JJ McCarthy was injured and out for the season on a flyer, 1-year $10 million contract, and he’s found love in the Minnesota nice territory. Head coach Kevin O’Connell has humbled the former Big City boy, albeit with the weapons of Justin Jefferson, Jordan Addison, and a Brian Flores blitz-happy defense that makes his life easier but has been unlocked to what he thought he could be.

The Vikings clinched a playoff spot and could get the #1 seed. Darnold is in the top 5 in passer rating, and now they’re in a serious conundrum with him and JJ McCarthy, as this situation looks sustainable as a long-term winning situation. Either way, Darnold’s likely to get paid big this offseason with the success of going to the nurturing home of the Midwest and a scheme that unlocks his strengths to get away for a while.

The “Scrooge That Finds Happiness During the Christmas Season” // Jim Harbaugh, Los Angeles Chargers Head Coach

If you look up “football guy” in the dictionary, you’ll likely find a picture of Jim Harbaugh (or a Harbaugh, for that matter) with how competitive, pleated-khaki-wearing Jim Harbaugh is. The endearingly psychotic program builder left Michigan with a College Football Playoff National Championship and overcame the angst and anger from the fans surrounding not being able to win “the BIG game” against Ohio State initially, the critics from the suspension of NCAA violations he received, and also building teams in the grittiest, disciplinarian-minded fashion possible: in the trenches and in the run game.

Taking the LA job to return to the NFL, he’s had a total bromance with his quarterback Justin Herbert, the introvert with a rocket arm talent that has made the most Odd Couple dynamic possible. Harbaugh has opened up as a softy after winning prickly in Michigan to silence doubters, and Herbert’s potential has given him a new lease on life, saying things as uncomfortable as “There’s not a gene in his body I wouldn’t immediately trade for” or commenting about his poise in a stuck elevator.

It’s like being on the beach, and surfing makes you young, but with Harbaugh, it’s football young. Make no mistake, though- the Scrooge that was once prickly is still building the Chargers the same way through their rebuild and possible wild card run.

“The Busy Business Owner Forced to Slow Down and Learn To Love The Small Things During the Holidays” // Josh Allen, Buffalo Bills QB

There’s the work-obsessed business owner during the holidays trying to focus on maximizing sales in the busiest time of year, when the pressure is highest, and the family wants to have a homely and lovely Christmas. Something forces him or her to slow down and focus on the simplistic pleasures in life, and their performance and overall happiness go through the roof.

Josh Allen and the Bills have faced heartbreak after heartbreak in Buffalo at the hands of the Kansas City Chiefs dynasty year after year. Allen, in particular, would plow through defenders as a snow plow in the field for touchdowns to sacrifice himself or sling the ball at laser speed to Stefon Diggs to fully, in essence, put the team on his back and break the streak of the cursed franchise. With the failures piling up during the “Mahomes Era,” the Bills regrouped- there were new coordinators, they traded Diggs away to have a new and bare-bones skill position group, and the thought was that the Bills were merely taking some time to regroup and find out who they were to build around Allen for the future.

The stepback has taken the pressure off of Allen, and the newly engaged Hailee Steinfeld man will likely get his first MVP. He’s scored 10 touchdowns in the last two games against the Lions and the Rams and does so in a fashion that an NBA player takes over and single-handedly wins a game just because he can.

No one is more fun to watch or is having more fun than Josh Allen right now, and an offseason reset may have been all he needed to make this the most dangerous Bills offense, maybe ever.

PHOTO: Brad Rempel/Imagn Images