What Everyone Said About Your Team This Offseason

NFL content is year-round when you’re the largest entertainment entity in the world.

We had an announcement for the announcement of when the schedule would be released, for crying out loud.

There’s content every single day, where a take is recycled and said about each and every team throughout the entirety of the offseason, until we can actually play some games.

The truth of the matter is, we actually know nothing!

But here’s what we THINK we know about each team, giving an offseason where the takes would never end.

NFC East

Philadelphia Eagles

“Howie Roseman, you’ve done it again! We bow at your feet for your assembly of this roster! Sure, Jalen Hurts is just a fine to good quarterback given the talent around him, but the tush push didn’t get banned, and it’s them and everyone else in the NFC!”

PHOTO: Bill Streicher/Imagn Images

Dallas Cowboys

“Let’s see if Dak, Ceedee, and George Pickens can score a million points per game now that Micah Parsons was traded because Jerry Jones felt poor.”

New York Giants

“They have a great young defensive front, Jaxson Dart looked like a quarterback with moxy in the preseason, but they have a tough schedule and are, for some reason, starting milquetoast Russell Wilson.”

Washington Commanders

“They’re the prime regression candidate! Jayden Daniels looks prime to be CJ Stroud in year 2, and they have the oldest roster in the NFL! Have you seen Deebo Samuel’s chubby picture?”

NFC North

Detroit Lions

“They had a shocking loss last postseason and lost both their offensive and defensive coordinators to head coaching jobs! Surely they’ll take a step back in the division, right?”

Minnesota Vikings

“We’re not sure if JJ McCarthy is the guy or not, but he gets to throw to Justin Jefferson, and Kevin O’Connell somehow helped Sam Darnold go 14-3. If he does that again this year with this guy too, he’s a marvel.”

Chicago Bears

“Ben Johnson is finally the guy and offensive guru the team needs, and Caleb Williams once again has the best situation for a rookie quarterback to go into for the second time now! If it doesn’t work this time since Eberflus is gone, we can really get worried!”

Green Bay Packers

“THEY TRADED FOR MICAH PARSONS AND HAVE THE YOUNGEST ROSTER IN THE LEAGUE AND AS LONG AS JORDAN LOVE IS COMPETENT IN LAFLEUR’S SYSTEM THEY ARE THE TEAM TO BEAT IN THE NFC!”

NFC South

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

“The Bucs lost Liam Cohen and will start the year without Tristan Wirfs on the line, but Baker Mayfield might just be coordinator-proof, and it won’t take much to win the continuously boring NFC South!”

Atlanta Falcons

“Did you see how much capital they gave up just to get SOME kind of bodies on defense? Michael Penix Jr. may have a ton of arm talent and be the real deal to make some noise if Tampa takes a step back, but now he’ll be without his entire offensive line on his blind side with Kaleb McGary out. Maybe they’re a year away.”

Carolina Panthers

“We love the story of Bryce Young! This may be the year he finally gets to take over and win some games that he shouldn’t! But have you seen the rest of the roster?”

New Orleans Saints

“When has Arch Manning taken his visit?”

NFC West

Los Angeles Rams

“Initially, we thought they were Super Bowl contenders, and now Matthew Stafford is having to keep his body upright with a Han Solo Carbonite trailer. Is McVay good enough to overcome that?”

San Francisco 49ers

“IF everyone stays healthy this time, they have the easiest schedule in the league! Isn’t this the team that either misses the playoffs like last year or wins the NFC? Right, Kyle Shanahan? Last year was either the sign of the downfall or they’ll be BACK!”

Seattle Seahawks

“The defense is coming together, but we’re afraid of believing in Sam Darnold without Kevin O’Connell, and losing DK Metcalf for an old Cooper Kupp is a certain downgrade.”

Arizona Cardinals

“We still love Kyler Murray and the Cardinals offense with Marvin Harrison Jr. gaining muscles and Trey McBride scoring more before the new Call of Duty comes out, and he falls off and doesn’t trust the defense until proven otherwise.”

AFC East

Buffalo Bills

PHOTO: Nathan Ray Seebeck/Imagn Images

“With the Chiefs taking a step back and Josh Allen getting married, this has got to be the year, RIGHT?”

New England Patriots

“Drake Maye has got moxy as a sneaky dual threat that had the worst offensive line ever last season; maybe the addition of Mike Vrabel as a tough guy makes a team still devoid of surrounding talent a frisky wild card!”

Miami Dolphins

“We don’t care how fast their offense is with Tyreek Hill, Devon Achane, and Jaylen Waddle in Mike McDaniel’s scheme; the vibes couldn’t be worse in the quotes from everyone, and this team is DEAD!”

New York Jets

“Aaron Glenn is the responsible dad that buys groceries instead of cigarettes when he shops and will make the team tough and competent and not Aaron Rodgers-led for once, even if Justin Fields may be a step back!”

AFC North

Baltimore Ravens

“This is the most complete roster in the AFC as long as Derrick Henry doesn’t fall off for the first time ever, but the winning in the regular season doesn’t matter one bit because of the Lamar Jackson postseason factor.”

Cincinnati Bengals

“They’re still a half team that only brought back the offense for Joe Burrow and still went 9-8, and even though Trey Hendrickson ended his holdout and got a raise, there’s still no defense. If they win, it’s because Joe Burrow is historic.”

Pittsburgh Steelers

“Aaron Rodgers joining the Steelers is like inviting the vampires from Sinners into Mike Tomlin’s 9+ win season house every year, and it feels like it could be the same old story of just being good enough to not have enough to completely compete. Unless Rodgers implodes the team.”

Cleveland Browns

“This team has 4 quarterbacks and we would prefer not to start any of them, but Shadeur Sanders would at least be entertaining before they get a top pick.”

AFC South

Houston Texans

“A new offensive coordinator means CJ Stroud might look more like rookie CJ Stroud, and the defense will be one of the best in the league, but will it be enough aside from getting the Saturday afternoon wild card game because they won the AFC South?

Jacksonville Jaguars

“If Liam Coen is the offensive guru he’s hailed to be with Trevor Lawrence being enthroned as a king and not showing anything for it, he may, in fact, not be the guy as we’re out of excuses.”

Indianapolis Colts

“They’re starting Daniel Jones instead of Anthony Richardson. That’s a team that is not only losing, but is losing the boring way.”

Tennessee Titans

“No one talks about Cam Ward, even though he was the first pick? Is the rest of the team that boring?”

AFC West

Kansas City Chiefs

“They just got their doors blown off in the Super Bowl and won’t be with Rashee Rice, AND Travis Kelce is more interested in being a podcaster and husband? Is this the year we see them take a step back in the division?”

Denver Broncos

“I don’t know, the Broncos have such a solid defense and offensive line, and Sean Payton makes Bo Nix look like Drew Brees! Could they be a sleeper Super Bowl contender?”

Los Angeles Chargers

“Justin Herbert has to do more than just be a highlight arm throw guy for us to take them seriously, and now they have Rashawn Slater out for the year. Jim Harbaugh has his hands full to be the ground-and-pound team he wants to be like he was at Michigan, too, with Najee Harris just getting into eye accidents!”

Las Vegas Raiders

“Sure, they’ve done nothing but dig themselves into a massive hole with generational bad decisions, but now that Tom Brady brought Pete Carroll and Chip Kelly, Geno Smith, and drafted Ashton Jeanty, isn’t that going to be so much more fun?”