The NFL Viewing Experience via Halloween Candy

There was certainly FOOTBALL played on Sunday… how good the football actually was is up for debate.

It may have been one of the most lopsided weekends in NFL football history: we saw every single game except for Jets-Bengals (and even that one had a double-digit lead going into the fourth) be decided in double-digit margin blowout fashion. To put it plainly, everything aside from fantasy implications was decided within the first 15 minutes of action, and you could have easily taken the Sunday off to go apple picking.

Some of it is matchup dependent, some of it is injury dependent, some of it has to do with some of the most exciting teams in the league being on bye, but it feels like the gap between the good and the bad teams has never been more vast. It’s the difference between going to a house that offers king-size candy bars next to one that only has enough to give out spare change or stale miniature Tootsie Rolls when trick or treating.

In the spirit of Halloween, we’re going to group teams by candy bar midway through the year, from a viewing perspective.

The Jumbo Chocolate Bar Group // Buffalo Bills, Detroit Lions, Indianapolis Colts

They’ve been reliable all year long from an entertainment perspective. Every single type of fan, young and old heads, knows they’re in for an entertaining game when tuning in for one of these teams on the schedule for the Sunday slate.

The Bills and Lions have been here for a while now simply because you get the likes of Josh Allen and his rocket arm paired with James Cook. Then the Lions have the creative rushing attack backing up Jared Goff and the hyperaggressive Dan Campbell defense, but it’s time to start talking about the 7-1 Colts as appointment television. The Jonathon Taylor MVP case has been built with him on pace to win the rushing triple crown. Daniel Jones has done nothing but make Michael Pittman and Tyler Warren constant vertical threats. If he weren’t coming off being a backup and having the name Daniel Jones, they’d be regarded in the way that they deserve: Super Bowl contenders. That being said, hopefully we’ll see them get stiffer competition rather than just the moribund Titans or the DOA Cardinals going forward.

The Nerd Gummy Cluster Tier // Seattle Seahawks, New England Patriots, Denver Broncos, Los Angeles Chargers

It’s the millennial and Gen-Zer’s favorite candy and the hottest kid on the block- not only is the candy already in the elite status of candies, but it’s relatively new on the market and one that only the true ball-knowers recognize its greatness.

The Seahawks are somehow 5-2 with one of the most exciting young secondaries in the league, and somehow, despite the lowest passing rate on offense, Jaxson Smith-Njigba is WR1 in yardage! The Patriots have Drake Maye and a competent coach, and lead the AFC East and are back again! The Chargers are letting Justin Herbert throw! The Broncos have Bo Nix slinging it with one of the best defenses in football! Who knows how far these teams will go as they grow before our eyes!

Plain Hershey Bar // Kansas City Chiefs, Philadelphia Eagles, Pittsburgh Steelers, San Francisco 49ers, Los Angeles Rams

It’s been here, it’s just plain chocolate, and it’s not that it’s necessarily “bad,” but we’ve had it before added with other elements, right?

The Chiefs are finally looking like the vintage Chiefs again, with Mahomes able to throw through a clean pocket to Hollywood Brown, Rashee Rice back from suspension, and a healing Xavier Worthy, but the fatigue is still there. Nick Sirianni, Vic Fangio, and the Eagles may be the best constructed team in football, but they do so by leaning on a play that is unwatchable barbarism, with a debate on whether or not it should be banned, and Jalen Hurts, who speaks in Maya Angelou quotes. Aaron Rodgers and the division-leading, somehow, Steelers are graying and appear to be the same old Mike Tomlin team sans a defense, and the Rams and 49ers are the same flavors they’ve always been: injured or running the same QB-friendly system. At least with the Rams, we’re seeing the very much alive Matthew Stafford make throws that show why he’s every quarterback’s answer when they ask who their favorite quarterback is.

The Candy With Far Too Much Wrapping // Cincinnati Bengals, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Baltimore Ravens, Minnesota Vikings

Reese’s cups, Hershey Kisses, Starburst, and the candies that just have far too many wrapping papers around them to be in the elite category, where it’s far too much work for little reward, could best describe these teams that would normally.

Credit: Ed Mulholland-Imagn Images

It’s been an elite week-to-week watch, but the injuries to players like Joe Burrow, Lamar Jackson, JJ McCarthy after a phantom injury, and every Buc not named Baker Mayfield have made their seasons less than optimal.

Sour Patch Kids // Jacksonville Jaguars, Atlanta Falcons, Carolina Panthers, Dallas Cowboys, Chicago Bears, Green Bay Packers, Houston Texans

In the same vein that Sour Patches are both sweet delectable candies at times, much like our consumption of them when their offense and defenses are full strength and humming, these teams also have the capacity to be absolutely sour and prone to getting the sticky sugar crystals spilled all over your clothes and hands for a horrid time.

Werther’s Original // Tennessee Titans, Cleveland Browns, Las Vegas Raiders, New York Jets, New Orleans Saints, Miami Dolphins, Arizona Cardinals

You’ve given up if you’re giving out this candy from the Civil War era. Thanks, Grandma.

Just like these teams have given up on trying to play competitive football on a week-to-week basis, it’s too much to overcome.