The Characters of the NFL Season, Explained by Thanksgiving

Nothing is more satisfying to the soul than a belly full of tryptophan-loaded turkey and pumpkin pie while there’s football being played on our televisions on Thanksgiving.

We get the lip sync-infested Macy’s Day Parade, and a ferociously furry Dog Show Competition to start us off. Still, nothing truly takes you away from problematic relatives like a scorebug graphic with fall foliage and a cornucopia before the Lions and Cowboys play in their domes. We get a nightcap game, and we’re all asleep for it.

Credit: David Reginek-Imagn Images

The stories of the NFL and what’s to come, when football is football down the line, and the cream of the crop have risen, will finally take place once we’ve had our turkey.

It’s a storybook of characters, much like the characters in our Thanksgiving gatherings that define that holiday.

We’re going to explain the stories of the season thus far with the characters we encounter on the beautiful, awkward, and everything in between of Thanksgiving.

Goodell always tries to push the slogan football is family, so we’ll explain the season through family members.*

*We’re only going to use one player or person per position.

The “Middle” // Baker Mayfield

The middle is the person who needs to be at the center of the table to facilitate conversations and make the gathering actually lively, so that everyone can talk to everyone. If you’ve got a boring middle that no one wants to talk to or engage with, your dinner table is in trouble.

That person is Baker Mayfield. After his renaissance in Tampa, despite all of the injuries the Bucs have accumulated, whether it’s the smack-talking defenders twice his size with moxy, spinning out of sacks, or keeping them in every game in the fourth quarter, no one has ever had a bad time watching a healthy Baker Mayfield game. He’s been the automatic “I want to sit next to that guy” character. It’s a shame that the Bucs are on a slide, and recently, with his injury, they got obliterated by the Rams in prime time, but when Baker recovers, he’ll be back in full “thank you for doubting me” mode right where he wants us.

Turkey Carver // Mike Vrabel

The turkey carver is strictly business. He or she frames the gathering by doing the dirty work while everyone else handles the remaining smaller responsibilities, but it ultimately comes down to whether this person can handle the brunt of the work.

Mike Vrabel, from his demeanor as a former linebacker with creatine running through his bloodstream, is that man. He’s come in during year one of the Patriots and taken them from having a top-5 pick to a team that could come out of the AFC with Drake Maye as an MVP and the Patriots‘ empire back. He’s carving what was a lost team into one with a foundation, thus far in the season, on both sides of the ball.

Mr. Impatient // AJ Brown

This is the TIRESOME individual asking over and over again whether or not the food will be ready yet, and is likely not going to help set up or cook either!

That character this year is AJ Brown. The Philadelphia Eagles are winning games at a better rate than they did last year as Super Bowl winners, but because of the Jemal Singleton involved offense, where they do the Brotherly Shove and call it a day.

He’s no longer the #1 receiving option that was a 1000-yard receiver; he goes on Twitch and complains about his quarterback and team and plays Madden games spitefully with a mysterious cryptic tweet about revenge. It’s the most drama-filled best team in football possible, and you would have thought the Eagles had a 2-10 record.

Casserole Casanova // Jonathan Taylor

The word “casserole” has a branding issue: it doesn’t sound appetizing at all. It’s essentially just food thrown together with oil in a pot, yet it’s somehow one of the best dishes in your family, so you have to say, “Trust me.”

The Colts had a severe casserole branding issue this year, with a quarterback competition between Anthony Richardson and a desperate grab at straws by bringing in Daniel Jones, and Jonathan Taylor had seemingly been forgotten among the best running backs in the league, having been part of the losing seasons in Indy recently.

We should have just trusted him all along as an old reliable. He’s a legitimate Offensive Player of the Year Candidate carrying the Colts to a potential 1 seed in the AFC with 6 YARDS per rush attempt and four games where he’s had three touchdowns.

TV Remote Tyrant // Myles Garrett

The person who takes over the remote at all times and is completely in charge of the entertainment is likely protective of it and won’t allow you to adjust the volume or change the channel.

Myles Garrett is our tyrant as the defensive player who completely sways the game, where even when the Browns are actively losing to get the first overall pick, Garrett is a player the opposing team’s offense has to account for at all times, and is 5.5 sacks away from breaking the single-season record. He’s a monster, just like the monster that comes out when you try to mute the Thanksgiving halftime shows, and the tyrant wants to hear it.

The Politics Relative // Jerry Jones

There’s usually the relative who says all the wrong things at Thanksgiving gatherings.

That person is pro-Micah Parsons and is trading Jerry Jones for apparent reasons.