NBA Lottery Matchmaker in a TANKING WAR

The Super Bowl is officially in the rearview mirror, so you know what the next colossal American sporting event on the calendar is? That’s right: play “One Shining Moment”!

Play the CBS basketball theme anthem! Cut the nets! It’s pre-March Madness season.

The trade deadline told us one thing if we didn’t know it already: the tank war for what is one of the best classes of incoming college players is going to be GRUESOME. There will be load management. There will be milked injuries. There will be pulled starters when you’re up by almost 20 points in the fourth quarter in order to lose if you’re the Utah Jazz, literally last week! The posturing for the best lottery position with no real consequence of losing these games aside from possibly a fine, which is merely nothing, has removed all shame.

Credit: David Banks-Imagn Images

Truly, are they wrong for it, though? If this is the system, even if it’s broken, would you not want to do whatever you could to have the best odds at getting your pick of what could change your franchise forever?

There’s a clear-cut top three in the draft teams are willing to sell their souls for: Darryn Peterson, AJ Dybantsa, and Cameron Boozer. While they’re likely going to be superstars in the making, even if you lose out on the top three, there’s a plethora of other guys in this draft that could potentially have a comparable floor.

There’s a clear top 8 at the bottom of the barrel in position for the top picks: the Jazz, Clippers, Nets, Hawks, Mavericks, Pacers, Wizards, and Bucks.

Let’s say the lottery balls don’t go your way for the top 3; have no fear! Ahead of March Madness, let’s play matchmaker with these teams and give them a prospect that could potentially be a perfect fit as a worthwhile consolation prize.

Utah Jazz // Jayden Quantaince, Kentucky Wildcats

The Jazz made an odd move to buy in Jaren Jackson Jr., and if they weren’t shameless enough as it is, it would make a fun play-in team at the 10 seed in the West! They do rank dead last in defense despite now having Jaren Jackson Jr. and Walker Kessler in the front court. Keyonte George and Isaiah Collier are young building blocks that can provide offense.

They need someone who’s a high-motor player and can bring some toughness on the boards, making them a more physical team. Jackson and Markkanen are bigs that will space the floor for Utah, but the fast break of George, Collier, and Ace Bailey running the offense through Jayden Quantaince of Kentucky would give them something Danny Ainge possibly loathed when working with the Celtics: a Bam Adebayo sort of Heat Culture. He’s 6’10 with a massive lob threat and would give the team some electricity after seeing such promise from George on the offensive side of the ball.

Los Angeles Clippers // Caleb Wilson, North Carolina

The Clippers are in an identity crisis rooted in the end of an era after a historically bad start, (possible punishment?) from a Kawhi Leonard salary cap tree company scandal, and no more James Harden. Getting rid of Harden and Zubac told us they’re ready to strip everything down (no pun intended, James) and restart after having the oldest roster in the NBA and folding a lottery pick to Oklahoma City. They’re going to clear the books and keep Garland as long as he’s healthy, maybe go after a superstar in 2027, and go from there.

The Zubac deal did put them in a situation where if the Pacers’ pick lands between 5-9, it’s theirs. With big Z gone, let’s give the Clippers Nate Ament out of Tennessee. Garland had already played with a big man who could move with the ball and space the floor previously in Evan Mobley, and if they’re truly tearing everything down, Ament is a true freshman who has gotten better as the season has gone on in his 18-year-old season. He could be another ball-handler who generates offense running the floor, which is what made the Cavs so exciting when Garland was running the show. He’s got length and athleticism and would get legitimate reps for the Clips for a team that just lost some significant offense.

Brooklyn Nets // Kingston Flemings, Houston

The Nets are just an island of misfit toys at this point, spending all 5 of their draft picks on rookies rather than moving up or packaging them for a veteran, and then they decided against trading Michael Porter Jr. when his value was at an all-time high. Jordi Fernandez has proven to be a quality head coach, but there’s been absolutely no return on it because the Nets have never made the right decisions.

They need stability. They need a playmaker. They need someone who can give them an identity since you’ve never seen an actual Brooklyn Nets fan before. With Egor Demin as a pass-first guard and Porter Jr. not exactly a threatening #1 option, they need Kingston Flemings. You can see so much Allen Iverson in the way that he takes over games at Houston; he’s got so much strong leadership at a consistently great program under Kelvin Sampson, where defense is put first, and he feels like the competent pick. He once scored 42 for the low-and-slow Cougars, which is like Kobe Bryant’s 81-point game to scale.

Atlanta Hawks // Caleb Wilson, North Carolina

The Hawks are the beneficiary of the Pelicans’ incompetence. They could get a high-quality pick, and they’re also moving on from the Trae Young era and into the Jalen Johnson era. With Porzingis also gone in the frontcourt, Johnson has been a maestro at distributing the ball, so some athleticism in the frontcourt for pick-and-rolls would fit the team like a glove going forward.

Who better than the Georgia kid who shut down Cam Boozer at Duke and North Carolina last weekend? Caleb Wilson is just 18, playing with a chip on his shoulder as the “other” freshman that isn’t in that top 3 and loves to be doubted, and has such a smooth, controlled game down low at 6 ’10 as an automatic double-double. Let’s revive the human highlight reel era Hawks with the country’s league leader in dunks!

Dallas Mavericks // Mikel Brown Jr., Louisville

It’s simple: with Kyrie out and Klay Thompson not getting any younger, the Mavs need to do everything they can to get offense around Cooper Flagg, who has proven to be everything and more of a silver lining of all of the Luka scar tissue. Lively could potentially be back from injury in the frontcourt next year, so a Kyrie backcourt where the freshman out of Louisville could learn next to a legendary ball-handler would be the perfect backcourt duo.

He’s 6’5, can play on or off the ball, and has a home-run swing from a shooting perspective, which would be worth it, as Kidd has proven his development of lead guards in the past.

Indiana Pacers // Yaxel Lendeborg, Michigan

The Pacers have that weird condition where it’s likely to be one of the top 3 (or Caleb Wilson) if they get 1-4, but will not get it if it’s 5-9 and will convey it to the Clippers. Striking some bad luck this year and getting 10-30, they could still strike gold in a veteran transfer that is considered one of the most NBA-ready now, given his age: Yaxel Lendeborg.

Yaxel has proven his success at UAB, as the conference defensive player of the year wasn’t just the product of playing against smaller programs after transferring to Michigan and fitting the program like a glove. With Haliburton slated to return next season to bring the team back to where they were last season and now having Zubac in the frontcourt, the Carlisle-led fast-paced team that made the Finals matches Lendeborg’s athleticism perfectly and would be another wildcard, comparable to the way Mathurin was used, but with a bigger frame.

Next to Siakam, they’d have one of the most stifling wing defenses in the league, and with a developing outside shot, that’s just another playmaking option for Indy to play with.

Washington Wizards // Koa Peat, Arizona

Can you talk yourself into the 2027 Wizards that will have Trae Young to Anthony Davis pick-and-rolls when they’re both… not injured?

The Wizards chose to buy low on the superstars and, next year, essentially need a young wing with availability, someone who will make up for Young’s lack of size, and another offensive initiator who can feed the ball to Davis down low. Koa Peat, playing for the #1 team in the country at Arizona, is entirely comfortable not being the biggest impact in the box score if it means he did it all by defending the primary option, making the hockey assist pass, and jumping out of the gym.

He’s got some early Blake Griffin in his game, where all he really needs is a jumpshot to put it all together, and the Wizards need their Swiss Army Knife man in the middle.

Milwaukee Bucks // Labaron Philon Jr., Alabama

The Bucks are the weirdest team in the NBA, given the Giannis situation, but what DO we know? We know:

1. They’re currently losing a lot of games!
2. They still have Giannis despite his injury, and he may play again this year, according to Doc.
3. He says he still wants to be there!

If all of this IS true, they’re not losing hard enough and may end up toward the middle of the lottery. When everything was right as rain, Giannis had Jrue Holiday, a high-energy defensive scoring guard who could distribute and be a positive running mate. That’s Labaron Philon in a nutshell, that could run the court with the Greek Freak and give them that fast-paced, “I need to watch Giannis on League Pass” energy that has been missing.

Will that be enough for him not to want out, but also NOT want out, given Philon and Giannis’s age discrepancy and his usual affinity for stars over young bucks? That remains to be seen. We know nothing about these liars except that Philon would be awesome next to them.