A Home Run Derby Fantasy

Despite the All-Star Game being announced, let’s be honest: it’s become the event that’s taken a back seat to the weekend. The stuffed-ballot fan voting, the pitchers who have to take off on rest days, the injury replacements, and now that there’s no longer home-field advantage in the World Series being determined (rightfully so) have just made it a fun exhibition.

The main event is the Home Run Derby.

There’s nothing to it other than we just like to see men hit the ball far over and over and over again. It’s a brute display of power. We, the dumb sports fans, along with baseball players who get giddy in the dugout when they see a man hit a ball 500 feet, marvel at this competition with glee.

It is, however, sort of like a medieval times event showcasing brute strength. It’s also never about just creating a field of whoever has the most homers so far- you need characters for theatrics. There are roles to play.

With that in mind, we’re going to parallel it to arguably the best TV series of the year thus far: HBO’s A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms, because the jousts and the battles between these fantasy figures that create compelling stories should echo one of the most fun events in sports.

That’s how we’ll fill out our Fantasy Derby Field.

The Prince // Junior Caminero

Junior has already been confirmed as a participant. He was runner-up last year, he went on an absurd stretch before the break where he hit 11 home runs in 11 games, and his bat-flipping superstardom as the young franchise guy has made the TAMPA BAY RAYS incredibly fun and the best record in the American League.

He’s just 23, born to be a star, and intent on revenge. He is the promised prince.

The Hedge Knight // Mickey Moniak

The Hedge Knight is the knight with no wealth or fame to his name —a freelancer making a living on his own—a true stallion. Chances are, you’re probably not watching very many Colorado Rockies games this year. The obvious pick might be Hunter Goodman, who leads the league in homers for a catcher at 27 before the break, but this is about more than Hunter Goodman. The All-Star Game is being played in Philadelphia. Once upon a time, Mickey Moniak was the first overall pick by the Philadelphia Phillies, traded to the abyss of the Angels in a prospects-for-prospects deal, sent to the minors, and is now having a career resurgence in Colorado on a one-year flier deal! It’s personal for Mickey!

The Mountain // Nick Kurtz

Of course, you have to have a knight who is just plain bigger and badder than everyone else.

That’s Lancaster, PA’s own Nick Kurtz of the A’s, AKA the Big Amish, your 6’5 23-year-old phenom that crushed a 4-homer game last year and last year’s Silver Slugger in his rookie season.

The Fan Favorite // Kyle Schwarber

Let’s face it: there’s always a call for one hometown representative in the Derby. The question all year has been Harper, Schwarber, or both. IF we have to have one Philly, it has to be Schwarber. He’s done it already, but he was a National when he was runner-up to Harper and was eliminated very early in 2022 by Albert Pujols.

Schwarber needs more moments to solidify himself as a Phillie rather than a Cub, Red Sox, or National when it’s all said and done. Also, who doesn’t like seeing how effortlessly he clubs it to right field?

The Veteran // Andrew McCutchen

Every fight needs a token “old guy.” Andrew McCutchen is one of the most likable players in the history of the sport and has been beloved by every team he’s ever been on. It’s been a rough year for Cutch, trying to find his footing, getting shamelessly no-showed by the Pirates, and then DFA’d by the Rangers. Still, the vibes picked up by the Braves were once a former MVP, a Derby participant, and he even had an interaction with a Phillies fan as a former Philly, where he hit a homer as a Ranger this year, and then apologized.

Just like we brought Albert Pujols in for one last hoorah, why not add Cutch just for fun? Philly and the players would love it.

The King’s Champion // Ben Rice

Ben Rice was the Yankee who was confirmed to participate in the Derby as well! We know that the true home run king on the Yanks is Judge, who’s been out with injury, but the Yankees‘ MVP has been Ben Rice. It’s as if this is the passing of the torch of a crippled Judge and Stanton to say, “Go forth and be the Bronx Bomber that gets booed at the Derby in my honor.”

Rice hasn’t done anything to garner the Yankee hatred, especially just being named “Ben Rice,” but it comes with the Pinstripes.

The Mystery Knight // Jordan Walker

There’s a surprise entrant, usually in dramatic jousts, that stuns the audience. The stunning story so far has been Jordan Walker becoming the slugger we thought he would be, the top prospect who had been in a cycle of going up and down in the minors until this year.

Turns out, maybe it just takes a while for a 24-year-old to figure it out! He’s also a mystery in that we have no idea what he’s capable of as a young, talented slugger that is 6’6 250, and has already clobbered 21 homers.

The Dragon // Willson Contreras

The Dragon: the loose cannon who may take this event far too seriously, but in a way some might find endearing. Think Pete Alonso meditating. Josh Hamilton is feeling the need to crush as many homers as possible and then subsequently tiring himself out because he put up 28 in one round. Yoenis Cespedes is flaunting back-to-back titles in the coolest way possible. That’s what Willson Contreras can bring to the table.

He’s fiery; some label him a “fake tough guy” for how much he chirps when getting hit, and he also just needs a moral victory after the fight that took place while emotions were running high with his family in Venezuela. He clubs homers, he’s normally divisive, and his showmanship is that of a dragon.

The Villain // Pete Crow-Armstrong

Let’s say this first: Pete Crow-Armstrong hasn’t necessarily done anything evil to Philadelphia or as reprehensible as what far other players that are still active in the league have done. However, for some reason, the 24-year-old who plays like Peter Parker, still learning the extent of his powers, has become a divisive figure in the league. He accosted the Dodger fans despite being a Cali guy, and he talked trash to a female White Sox fan. Then he turned into the best hitter in the majors, but his extreme highs and lows for some reason rub some people the wrong way with how exciting and theatrical he is- an early Bryce Harper lite if you will!

There is no reason PCA should have been 14th among outfielders in All-Star Voting at one point, but he was. Lean into the wrestling villain role, PCA. Be the guy Chicago Cubs fans love, but you can’t stand, as a superstar, and rein in the boos from the psychotic Philly fans.