Let’s Build the Ideal College Football Program

As the World Cup came to a close following a successful run for the majority, including those in the United States that hadn’t traditionally been major soccer fans, many conversational topics began with “Alright, now I would like to find the ideal soccer club to follow,” following the die-hard soccer fans with “Here’s your OFFICIAL guide to choosing a Premier League Club!” or something along those lines.

The culture, the American comparisons, and the spirit of what you want in a club have opened up the year-long fandom.

The only thing truly on that level is college football. The nationwide footprint of the sport, the connections and community that are held with each alumnus every Saturday, and just simply a newfound “cool” factor now, for better or worse, with the ever-changing news cycle and every university being accessible.

For example, schools are now earning money when being used by players in the new video game. They’re INCENTIVIZED to be cooler to casuals.

It’s more than just a team; it’s a living, breathing character in this world. There are factors that make each school appealing, alumni or not, especially in a new world where the smaller schools you attended may or may not even be a character anymore with the consumption by the massive mouth that is the bigger schools. You may even now HAVE to decide what you like about other programs to follow it, attend it, or not. The University of North Texas had one of its best seasons in school history last season, and now essentially every player and coach on the staff moved to Oklahoma State simply because it was bigger.

So, we’re going to build the ideal program in college football. What do we love in this world? There are so many idiosyncrasies that are unique that we notice and matter to us that shouldn’t, and that’s what kind of makes it special.

However, we’re going to have some rules before we make our choices:

• We can only choose one school once
• It’s no fun to make the obvious “this one is a classic” choice for everything
• In no way is this to disparage other options

Let’s program-build in this wild world of college football.

Head Coach // Mike Elko, Texas A&M

Mike Elko is the people’s college football coach. You could’ve put Marcus Freeman of Notre Dame here, but he’s so handsome that he could easily leave your school to take an NFL job or run for president. Mike Elko takes a look at the Texas A&M program that funnels thousands of dollars into the school and resources, knows they haven’t won anything, is angry about it, and wants to change it.

He calls coaches and the NCAA out when they’re hypocritical, and you’d run through a brick wall for that man that worked his way up from the Ivy League and FCS.

Quarterback // Drew Mestemaker, Oklahoma State

Drew Mestemaker never started a single game in high school as a 0-star walk-on safety and punter. He got to play in a game because of bowl opt-outs for UNT, threw for 34 touchdowns and over 4000 yards, and now gets to prove he’s an NFL prospect at Oklahoma State following his coach Eric Morris. You’re rooting for his success.

Offensive Philosophy // USC

The offensive strategy you want to watch is USC. Baker Mayfield, Kyler Murray, Jalen Hurts, and Caleb Williams? Ever heard of them? They all made it to the NFL after working with Lincoln Riley. That’s kind of the monkey’s paw curls situation of Lincoln Riley as a coach: he’s hailed as an offensive mastermind that develops quarterbacks, but the other side of the ball can’t make an open-field tackle.

Jayden Maiava is going to be set up to make the Trojans what is going to be an incredibly fun, up-tempo system that feels downhill (or the cornfed beefy boys of the B1G could completely pummel it).

Defensive Identity // Georgia

The same can be said on the opposite side of the ball for Georgia. Just look up the audio clip of Kirby Smart yelling the word “AGGRESSION,” and that is exactly what you want out of a program’s defense. In a world where there feels like there’s a dearth at the old school linebacker position, the flexible athleticism where the blitzes overwhelm you out of nowhere has made Georgia defenses something you can bank on for being simply what you want to see from an entertainment standpoint. They’ve slipped from being a top-10 defense because of how prolific the SEC offenses have been, and we want that edge back.

Recruiting Territory // Texas

You’re recruiting high school athletes. You want the city boys who have resources to be the dominant powerhouses that played in high schools larger than NFL stadiums, but you also want those who worked their way up from the culture of the dramatic TV series Friday Night Lights.

You get the best of both of those worlds in Texas. 1 in 12 NFL players is from the state.

NIL Collective // Florida State

Florida State may seem to be a blue blood that is crumbling right now, but the school is willing to spend over $500 million and go down with the ship that Mike Norvell is steering. It’s kind of poetic how much blind faith we put into our university here.

There’s such a “We need to make this team good, or we might have to pay our coach $51 million to NOT coach” that is exactly what you want if you’re shopping for players.

Home Stadium // Ohio State

Every single seat faces the field, you get a nickname and design as cool as “The Horseshoe,” and you want one that is directly on campus.

Fan Base // Minnesota

Minnesota fans have the perpetual ability to still hold themselves to high expectations of throwing a haymaker at a B1G blue blood occasionally and being solid and competitive. You rarely feel like there’s a generationally bad Minnesota team, and there’s a way of believing every single week in a Minnesota nice way.

In no way is that derogatory. One year they’ll break through, and it’ll be magical, and in the others there’s a reason to feel like you’re still invited to the party each year.

Entrance // Ralphie’s Run

Ralphie running out on the field in Colorado literally has to be a female because the strength of the beautiful beast is so unbelievably absurd that the handlers would die if it did this tradition with one as big and strong as the male. It’sone that feels it shouldn’t be allowed on a football field, and that’s what makes it great.

College Town // Baton Rouge, LA

It’s Death Valley at Night. It’s everything revolving around the Tigers game the entire weekend. It’s crawfish boils. It’s the collective culture of “PLEASE come over here and share some of this food with me.” It’s the pinnacle.

Uniform Set // Tulane

Selecting Oregon for this feels like cheating. Of course you want every single uniform in human existence because Nike owns you, but, quite frankly, that’s not how literally anyone else works. Tulane doesn’t have the stink of the “MILLION UNIFORM COMBINATIONS AND ZERO CHAMPIONSHIPS!” that Oregon does, but they certainly have some beauties in the rotation. It’s a perfect blend of modern and throwback, where you can get green and powder blue together (which somehow works, and feels unique to Tulane) and logos ranging from a literal anthropomorphized wave throwing fisticuffs in chrome to a pelican surfing. It’s beautiful.

Uniform BRAND // Jordan

Jordan started to create football uniforms and has Oklahoma, UCLA, Michigan, Florida, and UNC in their rotation. They’ve done a pretty stout job of not trying anything too outlandish despite how comical it is that you have a basketball player on a football jersey. That’s how transcendental the jumpman is. You get exclusivity, you get Jordan shoes made in your school’s colors, and you get cleats that look like sneakers.

Tailgating Food // Wisconsin

Can I interest you in bratwursts, every cheese imaginable, and every dairy food possibly fried imaginable? Tailgating to keep warm takes place in Badger Country. 

Live Mascot // Smokey

Because he, the bluetick coonhound, is the best boy. You’ve never seen him not smiling.

Costume Mascot // The Duck

He is the master of marketing himself. From his social media account, College Gameday appearances, the pop culture parodies, and the push-ups for every point scored, the mischief he performs is legendary.

Program DNA // Utah

Think about this for a second: Utah LOST Kyle Whittingham to a different job, and we still think of Utah the same way under Morgan Scalley: able to do more with less in an area and is a rock-solid staple of success that you don’t want to play at all if you’re the opposition because of how well the foundation is built.

Celebrity Fan // Vince Vaughn, Notre Dame

It’s one thing to be a celebrity that comes to events and wears the merchandise and is happy for your success, but Vaughn is such an everyman, in both his movies and in real life, that it feels like he lives and breathes with his Chicago and Notre Dame sports fandom as you do. Not in an “I am famous, and I’m going to donate millions of dollars to make sure my school is successful and pretend I’m an ambassador” way, but in a “I am going to be as miserable as every other single person in this room if my school loses this game even though I’m famous” way. That’s what makes him the people’s champ.