Every NFL Team’s Offseason Talk Summarized

We are officially one week from having real, meaningful NFL football on our hands and back in our lives. That’s right: on a Wednesday.

The disease of more in the NFL has continued to expand into every single day of the week and every single country on the planet because, like an empire, the most magnificent viewing experience that we will watch whenever and wherever for fantasy or entertainment purposes will forever take us away from our friends and families.

Why? Because football is amazing, that’s why. And you’ll always watch even if it’s a Super Bowl rematch on a Wednesday or an international game in Australia, where both teams hate playing there.

Every year, we can’t wait for it to begin, and the offseason chatter tends to recycle the same summative idea around every franchise. Groupthink feels real, but the reality is we know nothing. Last year, two teams with win totals under 8 made the Super Bowl. Anything can happen in this beautiful gladiator-level form of entertainment through February.

We’re most likely all going to be wrong, but here are every team’s offseasons summed up by what we think we know.

Arizona Cardinals

“Wow, this team stinks, plays in a gauntlet division, had a holdout situation with JACOBY BRISSETT of all people, and Jeremiyah Love may have already gotten hurt. But have you seen Trey McBride’s Madden rating and Marvin Harrison Jr.’s muscles?”

Atlanta Falcons

“They have two quarterbacks, one “impossible” to start and another with glass bones and paper skin, so they don’t have one.

Also, the defensive draft pick was a horrible person, and they paid Kyle Pitts even though we’re still waiting to see if he’s real or not. Bijan Robinson needs to be saved.”

Baltimore Ravens

“We’re doing this thing again where we believe in Lamar to stay healthy and perform in the playoffs one last time, even though they paid Zay Flowers like he’s Jerry Rice. But hey, Jim Harbaugh is gone, and Jesse Minter is a young guy who could maybe bring some fresh ideas this time!”

Buffalo Bills

“It has to work for Josh Allen this time, right? They even traded for DJ Moore and hired a coach that is friends with him!”

Carolina Panthers

“Boy, they were lucky last season to win the NFC South that nobody wanted to win, but how sweet was it that they ALMOST won that playoff game against the Rams?

Unfortunately, Bryce Young is still about as tall as Mina Kimes, and they’ve got the biggest injury bug of anyone not named the 49ers, and therefore we’re pretty much revolted again.”

Chicago Bears

“Caleb took the leap last year. He’s probably going to be one of the faces of the league in an offense that Ben Johnson says wants to score the most points in history and has the anger of a thousand suns. The problem is that they may be a half team looking at that defense.”

Cincinnati Bengals

“Let’s see if Joe Burrow can stay healthy this time and that if the investments they made in the pass rush in Mafe and Dexter Lawrence can make it to where he doesn’t have to throw the ball to Chase and Higgins a million times a game! (And, you know, save Zac Taylor’s job).

Cleveland Browns

“They’re somehow starting Deshaun Watson, and he hates his own fans, but this is probably going to be the swan song of the worst trade in history. They’ll lose, probably pivot to Shadeur, and then have some pieces to start the cycle of Browns Draft Daying again!”

Dallas Cowboys

“Listen, we hate hyping up the Dallas Cowboys preseason to walk into the sliding glass door of disappointment regarding “America’s Team,” but the offense of Dak, Ceedee, and Pickens is going to be electrifying, and as long as Brian Schottenheimer gets this defense to be PASSABLE, look out, NFC East!”

Denver Broncos

“This might be the most balanced team on offense and defense, and they added Jaylen Waddle, but following a season where they won 11 one-possession games, Bo Nix may be on one leg; Sean Payton has said some “I’m going to alpha you because I’m Sean Payton” things to possibly alienate him, and he gave up play-calling duties despite his ego to keep Davis Webb from leaving.”

Detroit Lions

“Everything went wrong for them last year from an injury standpoint. They’re still slim in the defense and offensive line and lost one half of Sonic and Knuckles, but they’ve got a last-place schedule, tons of indoor games, and a new OC that is going to make Jahmyr Gibbs the 1.1 fantasy option.

This also may or may not unfairly be a make-or-break year for Dan Campbell for this era of Detroit football with how many bites at the apple they’ve gotten.” 

Green Bay Packers

“Micah Parsons? Done until maybe the Dallas game because he morally can’t miss that one. Josh Jacobs? Terrible human that might not touch a football again. The Packers will have to be all-in on Jordan Love as the new king-of-the-nerds “it’s not actually his fault” quarterback, where his throws are beautiful but he doesn’t have a bona fide #1 option.

He’ll have weapons galore in Tucker Kraft back from injury and Christian Watson getting paid now, but those names need to stay on the field.”

Houston Texans

“This might be the most loaded defense we’ve ever seen, and if CJ Stroud is able to drive the Lamborghini without steering it off a bridge, they’re Super Bowl contenders.”

Indianapolis Colts

“They’re paying Daniel Jones $80 million after going 8-2 and then collapsing and suffering a major injury and giving away their draft pick to the Jets. This feels like it can’t end well.”

Jacksonville Jaguars

“Is it time to retire the phrase “Same old Jags”? It took one year of Liam Coen to win 13 games with Trevor Lawrence and seemingly fix the guy and turn Parker Washington into the fantasy darling. It’s a shame that we saw them do the exact same Jaguars thing: lose in the first round of a playoff game to a more competent organization and reaffirm the belief that the teal-wearing (and now jaguar print on the rivalry jerseys) new blood are not one to actually be feared, but maybe year two under Coen provides more of the same.”`

Kansas City Chiefs

“Mahomes is coming back from injury, Andy Reid is old, Travis Kelce is old and MARRIED, and Rashee Rice is rehabbing in prison. But hey, never count out the voodoo magic Chiefs and maybe handing the ball to the Super Bowl MVP Kenneth Walker is the fix!”

Las Vegas Raiders

“So, how many games does Kirk Cousins have to lose until they finally start Fernando Mendoza and trade Maxx Crosby?”

Los Angeles Chargers

“Justin Herbert is a married man, Mike McDaniel and Jim Harbaugh are the odd couple that may take this offense to the next level, and they’ve only had one offensive line injury! The age of the Chargers being “dark horse favorites is back!”

Los Angeles Rams

“They acquired the gauntlet of McDuffie, Myles Garrett, and TUTU ATWELL, and Matthew Stafford SURELY won’t regress as a 38-year-old with back problems, and Aaron Donald is on standby, probably hunting a sabretooth tiger with his bare hands, waiting to sign until ready to get a ring.

There’s never been a more all-in team, and that normally never works, but it has to work this time, right?”

Miami Dolphins

“Name one Dolphins receiver. That’s right. You can’t. Remember when they tanked for Tua? ROUND TWO BABY!”

Minnesota Vikings

“Kevin O’Connell is a QB whisperer that couldn’t whisper in the ear of JJ McCarthy, so now he gets Kyler Murray: the most overrated and underrated quarterback simultaneously. If it doesn’t work out  for Kyler here throwing the ball to Justin Jefferson, he’s a Las Vegas A.”

New England Patriots

“What’s going to happen now that the AFC Champions aren’t playing the YMCA every single week, their coach had such a bad scandal this offseason that he had to use a dog as a human empathy shield, and the solution was to add an elite receiver who also gets so fed up that he passive-aggressively reads self-help books on the sidelines?”

New Orleans Saints

“We sort of talked ourselves into Tyler Shough being good after he went 5-4 last year! Kind of a bummer that the “sleeper” pick to win the NFC South somehow has Chris Olave now as the healthiest receiver in the room.

They do play in a dome, have the second-easiest schedule in the league, and have Travis Etienne with a REBRANDED last name. Someone has to win the NFC South, right? RIGHT?”

New York Giants

“John Harbaugh is either going to finally be the adult in the room that they need or a retread of Pete Carroll to the Raiders last year. It’s not exactly off to a hot start with Jaxson Dart and Cam Skattebo looking like they may bring BIG BLUE Nation to the BIG BLUE injury tent every week, and Malik Neighbors may just not play again. Can Arvell Reese single-handedly make up for trading away Dexter Lawrence?”

New York Jets

“Did you see Geno Smith go 7/7 in preseason? That rocked. That might also be the highlight of the season if he plays like he did last year in Vegas. Ironically, the entire infrastructure now with the offensive line, Garrett Wilson, and Breece Hall on one side and David Bailey and company on the other line make a team that is just enough to be a sweet destination for a new quarterback and probably a new head coach (sorry, Aaron Glenn).”

Philadelphia Eagles

“Nick Sirianni is using AI to help himself out as if we already didn’t think most of the intelligence came from Howie Roseman. Jalen Hurts finally doesn’t have AJ Brown complaining about Jalen Hurts not throwing him the ball, but now we need Devonta Smith to be a #1.

It feels like they have just the right amount of talent to either be the same elite team they were two years ago or have underperformances from either Hurts or Sirianni to have the pressure cooker of the city of Philadelphia get too hot and this is comical, either or!”

Pittsburgh Steelers

“That’s right: the saddest reunion of all time: 42-year-old Aaron Rodgers and Mike McCarthy! If their offense wasn’t exciting enough for you last year, we’re doing the same thing again one year older on a retirement tour!”

San Francisco 49ers

“Move over, Friday Night Lights, the real drama of a football show not actually about football is the San Francisco 49ers! It’s got coaches getting in car wrecks, the entire team getting injured from practicing next to a haunted substation, the owner getting arrested for prostitution, and a week-long trip to Australia! Has anyone checked on Christian McCaffrey and Brock Purdy?”

Seattle Seahawks

“They’re the reigning Super Bowl champions, and they’re somehow underdogs going into the season for some reason because everyone has gone on a Los Angeles Rams love fest in the division. They brought everyone back, except they replaced Kenneth Walker III with Jadarian Price and got a new OC.

Still, because the quarterback was Sam Darnold and the success came out of nowhere last year, and maybe Mike Macdonald isn’t as much of an alpha bro as Sean McVay, they get to play with a chip on their shoulder of being doubted to repeat.”

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

“They’re the favorites to win the NFC South because we like Baker the most of the quarterbacks in this position, but they’re simultaneously in a contract standoff with him, had Vita Vea request a trade that was nullified by an extension, and everyone thinks Todd Bowles is Weekend at Bernie’sing this season until he’s eventually axed if they underperform again. Kenneth Gainwell will at least be fun and take the heat off of Bucky Irving after he likely killed your 2026 fantasy season.”

Tennessee Titans

“Cam Ward had the excuse of “well, the #1 pick had no weapons and a fired pick and was set up to lose” last season, but now he doesn’t have that excuse; they have Robert Salah, and they used their top pick on a receiver for him. If he looks like he did in the preseason, though, maybe the situation last year wasn’t the problem!”

Washington Commanders

“Jayden Daniels became the meme of the offseason after protecting his number and is going to get crucified behind what’s reported as the worst offensive line in Washington history. Don’t worry, though: Dan Quinn is here to save the day.”