Veteran defensive lineman Carlos Dunlap might have found his calling for his post-football career recently: hosting a show for the HGTV Channel.
After spending his first ten years in the league on the Cincinnati Bengals, Dunlap became so fed up with losing, having lack of playing time, and questioning the way he was used by the coaches to the point where he finally lost it and sent out one of the most perfect tweets to let the team know he needed out of there: he put his house in Cincy on the market to the public.
He then deleted the tweet, but it had all the house rooms/dimensions listed, noted that it had a balcony and was near a good school district and that he was willing to sell it furnished or unfurnished. What an absolute power move to get out of there. And sure enough, the move proved to be effective because within three days he was traded from the lowly Bengals to the Super Bowl-contending Seattle Seahawks who just so happened to need defensive line help.
At age 31, Dunlap has a ton of talent left as a veteran leader who still managed to get 9 sacks last year, so it would make all the sense in the world that he wanted a change of scenery. He’ll be changing out his fur winter coat for a rain jacket now playing in the Pacific Northwest, and I’m sure Russell Wilson will show him around the real estate market to put him near a good school district.
I’m not saying this will become the norm when being disgruntled with your team, but, hypothetically, who else should be trying to sell their house to save themselves?
Without further ado, I present to you: House Hunters: NFL Edition.
Allen Robinson // Chicago Bears WR
Tweet: “Chicago penthouse apt. 4 sale; 2 bed x 2 bath; within walking distance of a Lou Malnati’s deep dish pizza; it’s not THAT windy here I promise lol plz help”
Here is a list of Allen Robinson’s situations year-by-year since he entered the league:
-2014-16: Blake Bortles as his quarterback in Jacksonville
-2017: Torn ACL
-2018-20: Mitch Trubisky and Nick Foles as his quarterbacks in Chicago
As someone who seems to make incredible diving catches and receive a ton of passes week after week, one would think he would appreciate having a good quarterback throwing him the ball for once. It’s a shame we haven’t seen him get to spend his early years running down the sidelines to receive a beautiful deep ball from someone like Russell Wilson or Aaron Rodgers.
In the final year of his contract in Chicago, Robinson needs to contact the Property Brothers immediately.
JJ Watt // Houston Texans EDGE
Tweet: *photo of his newest Reebok shoe pulled up on Safari, but he “accidentally” has several tabs open researching Pittsburgh real estate*
JJ Watt is a 3x NFL Defensive Player of the Year Award winner, 5x First-Team All-Pro member, Walter Payton Man of the Year Award winner, and one of the faces of the league for the past decade. He also happens to play for the Houston Texans: a team now that’s 1-6 with no first or second-round draft picks next year after terrible Bill O’Brien trades. There’s no incentive for them to be losing games- they just are.
Meanwhile, JJ’s little brothers, TJ and Derek, are thriving on the Pittsburgh Steelers with the best record in the league at 7-0. I’m sure the group texts between the three of them aren’t competitive whatsoever.
Now that Eli and Peyton are retired, the Watts are the first family of football and we deserve to see them all playing together. Save JJ and get us a reality TV series while we’re at it.
Adam Thielen // Minnesota Vikings WR
Tweet: “@stefondiggs are u looking 4 a roommate”
The past offseason, Stefon Diggs, the playmaking receiver now carving it up in Buffalo, was traded from the Vikings after Diggs expressed displeasure on the team, even tweeting “It’s time for a new beginning.” Diggs just wasn’t getting the targets and quarterback play he wanted, so that made Thielen the new #1 receiver for the Vikes, but also pretty much the only target at the time.
The guy in charge of throwing Thielen the ball, Kirk Cousins, just signed an egregious contract that locks him in as the Vikings QB for $30+ million guaranteed until 2022, Thielen is probably a bit displeased, to say the least considering Cousins consistently throws the ball under 20 times a game, the Vikings are sitting at 2-5, and Thielen has frequently seen bickering with him on the sidelines after he throws one of his 10 interceptions (good for second-worst in the league). It’s clear that it doesn’t matter how much the front office is paying Cousins- the play-callers don’t trust Cousins to throw the ball; it’s almost as if they play around having to use him.
Thielen is a native Minnesotan who went to college there as well; don’t get me wrong, having 15,000 lakes at your leisure is probably great, but you have to wonder if he’d like to see the sun in December at some point in his career.
Julian Edelman // New England Patriots WR
Tweet: “What’s the weather like in TB right now lol”
Julian Edelman might as well openly put a billboard in front of his New England property that says “TRADE FOR ME, TOM” at this point. He very aggressively recruited Brady to stay with the Patriots during the offseason by doing stuff like printing and selling “Stay” shirts and Brady still ended up leaving him for Tampa, so Edelman went from having the greatest quarterback of all-time throwing him the ball to being stuck in New England on a 2-5 team that passes the ball the third-lowest amount of times per game.
He’s essentially mailed it in since then and just got knee surgery, which will give him plenty of time to do things like rehab and print shirts lobbying for the Bucs to go get him and reunite him with his beloved Tommy in Tampa this offseason.
Matt Ryan // Atlanta Falcons QB
Tweet: “Sick of Chick-fil-A”
In Atlanta, where Chick-fil-A reigns supreme, this could also be translated into “I never want to step foot in the state of Georgia again for the rest of my life lol please get me out of here NOW.”
The Falcons are 2-6 but could easily have a much better record because they find a way to lose in heartbreaking fashion, and they’ve been losing that way since they blew a 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl. With the Braves and Georgia football also experiencing back-breaking defeats during that span, Atlanta sports has just become a meme of losing.
In 2020, the Falcons have lost three games where they’ve had a win probability percentage of 98% or above, they finally fired head coach Dan Quinn, and have the second-worst cap situation in the entire league. In other words, they’re spending more than anyone and still losing. A lot of that money over the next four years is going to Matt Ryan, who is an MVP-winner and not at all the reason they’ve been losing these games. He deserves to go quarterback a team that might be missing a quarterback to contend for a Super Bowl just as Atlanta needs to stop paying him all that money to be a cursed franchise.
A lot of changes of scenery are needed around the league.
HGTV, if you need ideas for shows, the NFL has you covered.
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