When Trick-or-Treating on Halloween, there is a clear hierarchy of the houses you want to go to based on what delicacy they’re handing out.

When you’re tuning into an NFL game on a Sunday, you only want to watch the most entertaining possible games, fandom not included. It’s the same way that you wouldn’t pursue the house of a dentist when trick-or-treating.

These aren’t necessarily the winningest teams to watch, but these are the teams, or in this case, Halloween houses, which you should pursue on Sundays, tiered by what “candy” they would likely pass out. Watching football should be a treat. Pursue the best eye-candy.

TIER 1: The Hershey’s, M&M’s, Reese’s, Twix, Snickers House: Chargers, Chiefs, Bills, Cowboys, Ravens

The houses that have the most all-out lawn decorations in the wealthiest of neighborhoods are likely passing these out, because they’re simply the best. That’s what these teams are bringing to your football candy bowl. They’ve all got high-flying offenses with elite quarterbacks scoring at will in shootouts that you can’t take your eyes off the screen. 

You’ve got Josh Allen’s rocket arm on the Bills looking like the best team in football, coming off of their dominant win in Kansas City, and they’ve outscored their opponents 156-41 since their only loss. The glamorous Chargers in their beautiful SoCal uniforms have sophomore quarterback Justin Herbert looking like the future of the league as he’s winning big games at only 23. Lamar Jackson runs faster than a gazelle and is unlike anything we’ve ever seen. Meanwhile, the Kansas City C

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hiefs are 2-3 and have one of the worst defenses in the NFL (allowing 7.1 yards per play, worst in NFL history), but are you really going to pass up the opportunity to see Patrick Mahomes sling it? Absolutely not.

TIER 2: The Skittles, Kit Kat, Milky Way, Three Musketeers House: Rams, Cardinals, Browns, Bengals, Lions, Buccaneers

Not the best, but still close to the top tiers of candy that you would not trade.

The Rams, Bucs, and Browns are all three Super Bowl contenders with a combined record of 11-4, but it’s not exactly the most exciting brands of football. The Browns simply pound the ball with Nick Chubb and Kareem Hunt and rely on their defense, the Rams are practically a machine and product of Sean McVay’s scheme, and the Bucs put up a ton of points, but Brady’s beautiful passes at 44 aren’t bullets any more.

The Cardinals, the final remaining undefeated team with the MVP favorite thus far at quarterback in Kyler Murray, remain a mystery: they dominated teams like the Rams, but somehow managed to struggle against the Jaguars and the 49ers and have a suspect defense.

With how many hits he takes and injuries he sustains, Joe Burrow might not survive the season behind his Cincy offensive line, but boy, their games are exciting, and his deep balls to Ja’Marr Chase that keep them afloat are must-see TV, and they’re 3-2 with a close overtime loss to Green Bay.

Finally, the Lions are winless. They could at least have three wins on the year if not for bad luck in the end! They almost came back from down 31-10 at halftime against the 49ers week 1 and had a chance to tie it in their 41-33 loss, they had Justin Tucker hit the longest field goal in history at the last second in their 19-17 loss to the Ravens, and the Vikings hit a game-winning field goal in the final seconds of another 19-17 loss. They’re 0-5 and the most resilient team in football.

TIER 3: The Starburst, Crunch, Milk Duds, Butterfinger House: Packers, Giants, Titans, Jaguars, Seahawks

They’re solid pickings; rarely anyone’s favorites, but the quantity and quality are still in the upper-level. Many of these teams may have something exciting about them, but they’re flawed in some way.

The Packers have Aaron Rodgers and have been to the NFC Championship in back-to-back years, but for some reason their games just feel… there. Outside of their shootout in San Francisco, Rodgers hasn’t been putting up any gaudy numbers, and the defense has been less-than-optimal.

Daniel Jones is surprisingly very fun as a dual-threat quarterback on the Giants this year (???) but the rest of the roster is either injured or awful as they’re pretty much dead at 1-4.

The Titans pound the rock with Derrick Henry for over 30 times a game in order to have any chance of winning- the passing attack from Tannehill has been mediocre with the injuries to Julio Jones and AJ Brown. The defense and offensive line has fallen apart, so you pretty much only watch for Henry at this point.

The Seahawks are battling the Chiefs for the worst defense in football, but the magic Russell Wilson makes is enough to make any of their games weird and competitive when he’s on the field.

The Jaguars are entertaining for everything that happens off the field: their postgame press conferences… for all of the wrong reasons.

TIER 4: The Whoppers, Rolo, Dots, Almond Joy House: 49ers, Bears, Patriots, Eagles, Football Team

They’re definitely not good or what you would ever want by any means, but there’s at least a little something to be desired in each team that might intrigue you.

The 49ers, Bears, and Patriots all are trotting out rookie quarterbacks: Trey Lance, Mac Jones, and Justin Fields. None of the collective teams have been dominant or winning in exciting fashion in any way, but they’re at least learning the position and appear to be getting better week-to-week.

The Eagles and Football Team are pretty much just teams we know nothing about how actually good they are, but they’re simply rolling the dice on quarterbacks we haven’t seen a lot of: Tayler Heinicke, the man who is addicted to sprinting and diving for touchdowns at the pylon, and Jalen Hurts, the dual-threat college football legend.

TIER 5: The Candy Corn, Tootsie Roll House: Vikings, Panthers, Saints, Raiders, Broncos

These are the teams that may be good, but are just kind of sad or gross to a large majority.

The Panthers got off to a hot start and had a lockdown, young defense, and it looked as if Sam Darnold was getting a resurgence now that he wasn’t on the Jets, but Christian McCaffrey got hurt, and they’re now 3-2, and Darnold is back to throwing picks. 

The Raiders went back to their annual tale as old as time: getting big time wins to start the year where everyone buys in and Derek Carr looks good, only to fall apart.. Coach resigning not included..

The Broncos are injured everywhere and are falling apart at the seams after their 3-0 start. You can’t have a “lockdown defense” that gives up 27 points to the Steelers.. And Teddy Bridgewater just simply can’t score enough points to make the team interesting.

The Vikings somehow have Justin Jefferson, Adam Thielen, and Dalvin Cook on offense and are anemic in the box scores, almost losing to the Lions and are 2-3, and they all seem to just hate each other and Kirk Cousins. It’s sad.

Finally, the Saints are 3-2 but just play to not lose. Jameis Winston is 30th in attempts and 29th in yards. The defense and Kamara are exciting, but the games are odd: one week they put up 38 on the Packers, the next they only put up 7 on Carolina.

TIER 6: The Veggie Straws, Popcorn Ball, Toothbrush House: Jets, Colts, Falcons, Steelers, Texans, Dolphins

This is just the sad tier.

The Jets are unwatchable with how little they score even with a dynamic rookie quarterback in Zach Wilson. Their only win came in an overtime fluke game against a Titans team that didn’t have AJ Brown or Julio Jones.

Big Ben and Matt Ryan on the Steelers and Falcons are just the old family dogs in their final years with the family- they struggle to throw the ball down the field at all in the twilight of their careers after being two of the most high-flying offenses for the past two decades.

The Colts have a quarterback with two sprained ankles and are already 1-4, the Dolphins have a quarterback with broken ribs that is 1-4, and the Texans have a quarterback with 22 active civil suits alleged against him from women and are 1-4.

Happy Halloween to these guys. Here’s your veggie straws…

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