Explaining Fantasy Football Draft Choices with Fast Food Burgers

It’s Fantasy Football draft season.

Some may go into their drafts with no research or big board, but for most of us, this is year-long entertainment.

There are countless books, lists, rankings, podcasts, and shows that the entire market is oversaturated. There will never be a “sleeper pick” again because we have an opinion on every single player!

There is no point in making yet another list or rankings. We all have some sort of calculated opinion and value on all of the players and know what we’re getting ourselves into when we pay the price of the “draft” button on our phones or computers. It’s a purchase that’s comparable to the never-ending argument of the best fast-food burger.

So that’s what we will do: rather than tell you who you SHOULD draft, we will explain what you’re buying. There’s a consensus about every player, just as reputations come from arguing for or against the best burger online.

Without further ado, here’s a tiered list of fantasy football skill position players explained by Chain Burger consensus.

The Five Guys Players

Some will tell you that Five Guys is the pinnacle of the burger world as a fast-casual with the classic diner ambiance where they will absolutely stuff your greasy paper bag to the brim with nothing but their Idahoan fries after you snacked on peanuts waiting in the red-and-white checkerboarded line. It’s massive and greasy, and you’ll likely love it, but your wallet won’t! It’s notorious for blinding you with the colossal heap of fries and massive, made-with-care burger before the cashier reads you your total equivalent of a sit-down restaurant. The point is that it’s a top-tier burger you’ll pay a pretty penny for.

These players you’re likely going to have to bank your entire season on with how pricey they are- you can’t win your fantasy season on your first round alone, but you can certainly lose it if any of the top-ADP superstar skill players have a down year.

Justin Jefferson, Ja’Marr Chase, CeeDee Lamb, Breece Hall, Garrett Wilson, Jonathan Taylor, Amon-Ra St. Brown, Bijan Robinson, AJ Brown, Christian McCaffrey, Tyreek Hill

The Shake Shack Players

With the massive amount of fantasy football content put out as a year-long content-producing machine with even more extended access to the NFL, there are no longer any “dark horse” picks. There are merely players that people think could make the jump to elite from the good, which are the “trendy” picks that will run dynasty leagues and are possibly going undrafted, and they want to get in early on. These are your hipster league winners!

That’s how people talk about Shake Shack. It’s grown from New York City as the picturesque neon upscale chain that’s almost doubled locations all across the country that feeds your nostalgia with hotdogs and crinkle-cut fries while also having Game of Thrones collaborated shakes and trendy tote bags and merch for a literal burger joint.

Every rookie that has had an impressive training camp or preseason is going to be the “swing for the fences” pick. Maybe it’s a team like Seattle getting a new offensive coordinator that will maximize production to help them be the next big thing. It could simply be the jump from good to great. The Shake Shack players are the players that everyone wants to tell you about after they’ve listened to every fantasy-related podcast.

Kyren Williams, De’Vone Achane, Jahmyr Gibbs, Puka Nacua, Trey McBride, Kenneth Walker III, Jaxon Smith-Njigba, Drake London, Dalton Kincaid, Nico Collins, ANY ROOKIE, Sam LaPorta, DJ Moore

The Wendy’s Players

It’s not often that you hear someone claim that Wendy’s is their ride-or-die, the number-one option they’ve been craving a burger for. That being said, you could do a lot worse! You know you’re getting the square patty that’s “fresh, never frozen” for a fine price with consistency all across the board.

These are your fine number two options or handcuffs in the fantasy world that aren’t going to go at the top of the drafts, but you could do a lot worse. AJ Brown, Ja’Marr Chase, Tee Higgins, and Tyreek are going to get all of the targets, but if they have a game where they’re locked down and double-covered, Devonta Smith, Tee Higgins, and Jaylen Waddle are all capable of being #1’s somewhere else! It’s also not sexy to pick a “backup” running back. Still, the age of the bellow is gone, and everyone uses a quality number two that could even potentially get a higher workload, such as Tyjae Spears backing up Tony Pollard coming off a milquetoast season now in Tennessee. #2 options are often the boring picks, but the right picks, just like Wendy’s, may not be the favorite, but they’re probably not going to mess up your baconator.

Devonta Smith, Jaylen Waddle, Tyjae Spears, Chase Brown, Tee Higgins, Chris Godwin, Jerry Jeudy OR Amari Cooper, David Montgomery, Nico Collins

The Whataburger Players

The Whataburger cult of Texans who ride or die, claiming it is the best burger, is lying to you. You don’t actually go to Whataburger FOR the burger. You like the elements around it—the honey butter chicken biscuit, the fancy sauces, the patty melt, or the novelty of it just being a uniquely Texan thing. The burger itself plays in the background.

Your Whataburger players are the ones you’re not drafting because of them in particular- you like their offensive play-caller like Mike McDonald in Miami or Kyle Shanahan in San Francisco. You like that they’re on a Super Bowl-caliber team that will likely score a plethora of points with Patrick Mahomes or Josh Allen. We have no idea who the young and promising quarterback Jordan Love is going to favor throwing the ball to in Green Bay since they’re the youngest core in the NFL, but not having a go-to means any of Dontayvion Wicks, Christian Watson, or Romeo Doubs could put up points on any given night.

When in doubt, you can pick players on winning teams who can elevate their ceiling, like Whataburger, which is elevated by the other aspects around it.

Marquise Brown, George Kittle, Isaiah Pacheco, Rashee Rice, Packers receivers, Bills receivers, Raheem Mostert

The McDonald’s Players

The Golden Arches are the king of the fast food industry, with the most locations worldwide, one-third of which are in the US. The Big Mac laid the foundation for burgers in the same way that the forward pass revolutionized football.

McDonald’s also has a PR problem. Years ago, the documentary Supersize Me crucified their brand. They’re the poster child for cheap and unhealthy fast food jokes, and they’ve had to scramble to rehabilitate their image. There’s been everything from the invention of the McCafe to having celebrities like Travis Scott get their own meal to now bringing back the nostalgia of the old toys and cups when times were simple.

The McDonald’s players have some sort of bad representation leading up to your draft that is going to put a stink on them. Maybe they’re labeled as washed and have underperformed within the last several years, like Calvin Ridley coming off of a forgettable 1,000-yard season after a gambling suspension or Tony Pollard not looking the same after injury. Maybe they’re in the midst of a contract dispute or have requested a trade like Brandon Aiyuk or Davante Adams in the Receiver documentary. Perhaps they have the “diva” label like Stefon Diggs getting traded to his third team or DK Metcalf having clips of him yelling on the sidelines for the ball. Maybe they’re just on a frankly unexciting team that may not score points like Chris Olave and Terry McLaurin.

In rare cases, it’s the literal McDonald’s sense, where the only conversation you hear about Keenan Allen now with the Bears is that he’s put on 30 pounds.

The stock is down from the branding.

Davante Adams, Calvin Ridley, Tony Pollard, Brandon Aiyuk, Keenan Allen, Stefon Diggs, Travis Etienne, Najee Harris, DK Metcalf, Chris Olave, Terry McLaurin, Michael Pittman Jr., Tyler Lockett

The Burger King Players

There are probably people or family members in your life who don’t allow you or your children to go to Burger King because of the possibility of that unsettling mascot delivering you a Whopper that is so likely dry and undercooked. We all remember when they tried the black burger for Halloween to try and compete with their big brother McDonald’s that had… let’s call them “consequences” afterward. There’s a calculated risk with going to any Burger King that could burn you from it- the earworm song that got stuck in all of our heads last year with the “Whopper Whopper Whopper Whopper” song is trying to hypnotize you into buying into it.

The Burger King players are a risk that you may hate yourself for picking afterward. We hate to bring up future injuries, but injury history that has burnt you in the past or simply drafting someone several times in a row banking on the generational upside (looking at you, Kyle Pitts) only to be immersed in regret. Maybe, just maybe, it’ll work out for us this time!

JK Dobbins, Kyle Pitts, Tank Dell, Nick Chubb, Cooper Kupp, Mike Williams, Deebo Samuel, Mark Andrews, Courtland Sutton

The In-n-Out Players

PHOTO: Denny Medley/Imagn Images

Perhaps the largest cult following of any chain is the West Coasters with In-n-Out. The fries may taste like Playskool plastic, but if you besmirch that classic and consistent red and white for a fair price that is so simple and executed so well, the Californians that have a line wrapped around the building will come for your throat with pitchforks (AFTER their animal style order is delivered, of course).

The dumb person in the office playing in your pool will so easily pick these players. They’ve had success with their name in the past, so why would they choose someone else? It may be the boring pick, but it could also be the right pick that you’re overthinking. Mike Evans has had 1000 yards for 10 years in a row, no matter his quarterback. We keep waiting for Derrick Henry and Travis Kelce’s bodies to finally break down or fall off, and they won’t. There could also be a name-recognition ride-or-die cult following element. Austin Ekeler was a fantasy darling because he would actually play fantasy with you online! Saquon was a fan favorite in New York! It doesn’t matter where they’re playing- they’ll still continue to follow them out of fantasy loyalty, which runs deeper than blood. 

Travis Kelce, Derrick Henry, DeAndre Hopkins, Austin Ekeler, Mike Evans, Saquon Barkley, Josh Jacobs, James Conner, Joe Mixon, Aaron Jones

PHOTO: Denny Medley/Imagn Images