A Therapy Session with the NL West and AL East: The Most Chaotic Divisions in Baseball

This weekend consisted of multiple bombshells involving some of the most prolific teams and names in baseball before the trade deadline or postseason races could even begin.

Immediately after sweeping the New York Yankees, the Boston Red Sox finally did it. After all of the offseason drama of whether or not the scar tissue of the miscommunication when they signed Alex Bregman to play third base was too much, they traded 2018 World Series Champion and their highest-paid player, Rafael Devers, to the San Francisco Giants. For San Francisco, all is great: new president Buster Posey is finally pushing his chips in by taking that contract after inking Willy Adames and Matt Chapman last offseason, and the team with the best bullpen in baseball just got their first 30 home run-hitter since Barry Bonds. They’re overperforming in a division with the Dodgers, Padres, and Diamondbacks, and just got an All-Star bat they can play at first or DH!

For the Red Sox, there probably couldn’t have been a move that alienates the team from the fan base more. There are still fans that separated themselves from the organization after the Mookie Betts trade caused so much hurt, and now, after they made moves to show they may be going for it again, they send away the franchise guy. The timing of it all, after a sweep of the Yankees to put them a half game back, Alex Bregman on the IL with an opt-out, and the reliance on 22-year-old prospects now in Roman Anthony and Marcelo Mayer, couldn’t have been more odd. It feels as though anything less than a team that continues to win by banking on their youth to get better and makes the postseason is going to have some significant changes this offseason, with Craig Breslow in a pressure cooker.

The other bombshell is that, while the Giants just made a big money move, the evening after they lost a series 2-3 to the Dodgers, it was announced that Shohei Ohtani would return and pitch for the first time since undergoing Tommy John surgery. A team that was already rich just got richer, even if he’s merely in a pitching hyperbaric chamber, vamping up for having full capabilities come October for a World Series run.

Both the AL East and NL West have been absolute soap operas all season long, team-to-team. With nearly 8 teams not out of contention for the postseason, we need to call and check in on them to see how they’re doing in a division therapy session.

Colorado Rockies

“So, Colorado. You’re on pace for being the worst team of all-time right after the Chicago White Sox just did it, had the worst 70-game stretch since before 1900, and are dead last or near it in almost every stat except for triples, which isn’t exactly complimentary to scoring. How exactly are you doing?”

“Well, considering we don’t make any changes at all and still have one of the prettiest ballparks in the majors that fans will still come, enjoy, and buy concessions at, I’d say just fine!”

“Good talk, Rockies.” hang up

Arizona Diamondbacks

“Arizona, how are ya? You came into the season with some NL-contending expectations after spending big on an ace and just barely missing the postseason last year. He just went down for the year with Tommy John surgery, and you’ve been in fourth in the division the majority of the year. How are you?”

PHOTO: John E. Sokolowski/Imagn Images

“I COULD be great, and that’s what makes it so frustrating; Eugenio Suarez does nothing but hit home runs, Corbin Carroll is an NL MVP candidate, and Geraldo Perdomo is the most underrated player in baseball. We have a top-5 offense in the league, but have dug ourselves into a hole too big in the division and invested in black holes in pitching: the Corbin Burnes injury, Zac Gallen having an off year, and funneling money to nonexistent Jordan Montgomery and Eduardo Rodriguez. Pitching was supposed to be fixed, and it just wasn’t, and that might mean parting ways with genuinely great players in the lineup if we decide to pivot and build around Corbin and Perdomo instead. We’re so, yet so far.”

“This just sounds like a year from hell scenario, Arizona. I’m sorry.” hang up

San Diego Padres

“San Diego! There was a large possibility of you taking a step back with the offseason turmoil- tragically losing the owner and really only adding supplementary pieces in free agency, yet you’ve hung tough in third place most of the year despite a lot of injuries. How are you?”

“San Diego is all flash ever since the Slam Diego era, and with the top-end talent being in and out of the lineup with injuries like Jackson Merrill, Tatis being up and down, Darvish and Michael King still being on the IL, Manny Machado and Gavin Sheets isn’t exactly a ton of flair, and that’s prevented us from being the swaggering underdog that can aim the Giants and Dodgers. There needs to be some mojo acquired, possibly making the signature San Diego trade splash from Preller, or just to get healthy and get some momentum going before October. We’ve only had two 3-game win streaks since the end of May. We need fiery Padres again.”

“It would be more fun for the league, undoubtedly.” hang up

San Francisco Giants

“The big splash, Giants! How are you doing?”

“How am I doing? Well, we lost Chapman and Patrick Bailey to the IL, and Willy Adames, our prized free agent, hasn’t exactly been great this year, but I AM FEELING LIKE A SERIOUS BALL CLUB AGAIN! Our savior, Buster Posey, has come in and gotten us names to be reckoned with and just traded for Rafael Devers for a bag of baseballs. You can pay Juan Soto $700 million to hit in the three hole if I have a slugger who leads the league in walks and can hit bombs into McCovey Cove for $300. We might not be on the Dodgers’ level just yet, but we’re a serious ball club now that can develop the best bullpen in baseball and want to get there. Keep telling us we’ll fall off eventually.”

“I love the confidence, San Francisco.” hang up

Los Angeles Dodgers

“The billion-dollar Dodgers. It’s seeming like another Dodgers year right after your World Series title, and now Ohtani is pitching again on the mound. There’s some desperation in the pitching staff with constant injuries, but you’re nevertheless still the team to beat. How are you?”

“Wake me up in October. You ain’t seen nothing yet.” hangs up

Baltimore Orioles

“Baltimore. This was supposed to be the golden age of the baby birds. What happened? How are you?”

“How am I? I’m feeling like a team that lost Corbin Burnes and Anthony Santander this offseason and had chips to go get a big fish, but instead has a pitching staff that employed Charlie Morton and has consistently had one of the worst ERAs in baseball all season. We fired our coach, our best hitter has not been the 20-year-old cornerstone in Adley Rutschman, Gunnar

Henderson, or Jackson Holliday, it’s been Ryan O’Hearn, and our owner is still crowning himself as savior and giving himself a bobblehead night. We had a great run where we went 14-8, but it’s still too far gone despite our talent. 2026 will be the year of the Orioles.”

“We’ll remember it, Baltimore.” hangs up

Boston Red Sox

“Boston. Bean Town. Interesting Weekend. How are you?”

“How am I? Going back to the tragedy of the Mookie Betts trade, this might be the most egregious weekend of my lifetime. Devers was supposed to be THE franchise guy to make up for Mookie, but because we couldn’t competently communicate adding extra pieces to the team this offseason man-to-man, it became personal, and now he’s a Giant. We JUST swept the Yankees and made Aaron Judge our son for the second straight series, and now we’re without our best position player and have to hope and pray Bregman comes back and is healthy, and we spend that money on someone else, I guess? How successful is banking on 20-year-olds like Roman Anthony, Kristian Campbell, and Marcelo Mayer? It’s postseason or it’s Breslow’s job.”

“Baltimore just had that same problem.”

“How well is that going for them?” hangs up

Toronto Blue Jays

“Toronto! There was a lot of pressure on you guys this year, but you paid and made Vladdy a lifetime Blue Jay, and even though it’s been an underwhelming season for him, he hasn’t really needed to be Super Vlad, and you’ve got a Wild Card spot! How are you?”

PHOTO: David Richard/Imagn Images

“Personally, I’m great! Everyone wanted to bury us and give us a funeral and photoshop Guerrero in Yankee pinstripes and trade away Bo Bichette because we’ve faltered in October year after year. You thought you could just get rid of us amidst all the drama, didn’t you? We haven’t even needed old man Max Scherzer, and the only two batters we have hitting above .300 are our CATCHERS, Tyler Heineman and Alejandro Kirk, living proof that baseball success can come in all shapes and sizes. Quite literally, we just have an entire lineup where no one is a net negative, and we don’t mess up or strike out, and that bullpen that ruined the season for us last year is now top-10. I mean this is the nicest, most Canadian way possible, when I say, eat it, doubters.”

“I’m happy for you, Toronto.” hangs up

Tampa Bay Rays

“The Tampa Rays. The nomads without a stadium. The nerds that are smarter than us that somehow never have a poor season despite never spending money. How are you?”

“It’s been the ideal season, quite honestly: one where we’re winning and doing it in silence. You guys know those New York Mets that you love because they have the Polar Bear and $700 million Juan Soto and Mr. Smile? We swept ‘em. Those New York Yankees that are the crown jewel of baseball? We’re creeping up on them in the division. We just do it at a little old minor league park because of our tragic accident at the Trop, we have two unrelated Lowe’s in the lineup that are pronounced differently and both slug, and Jonathan Aranda, Yandy Diaz, and Junior Caminero aren’t household names, but they will be once we either win in October or we trade them for even more studs making pennies. You lose Randy Arozarena and Tyler Glasnow, and everyone thinks the sky is falling, but we lead the league in stolen bases, and we’ve got a top-5 rotation without even having a bona fide ace. Take that for data.”

“Good luck when you’re in Nashville, Tampa.” hangs up

New York Yankees

“The New York Yankees. The team that was just swept in Boston is still a top-2 team in the American League. Judge had a poor series, but is still at a Barry Bonds level. Fried and Rodon have been a level-up in the absence of Gerrit Cole, and the team got Stanton back. Making up for the loss of Juan Soto in the aggregate has seemed like a success so far, but the club really needs to play inspired in October. How are you?”

“HAHAHA DID YOU SEE WHAT BOSTON JUST DID?”

“I guess we’ll talk in October.” hangs up

PHOTO: John E. Sokolowski/Imagn Images