A Hypothetical LeBron Retirement Tour Across the Other 27 Teams

Let’s talk about an athlete that no one ever talks about! LeBron James!

The above statement likely made many close out of the tab and open a different story, but the reality is that this season for LeBron has been absolutely weird. There are rumblings about him retiring with the Lakers, kind of just being a forgettable Western Conference team. LeBron is a supercharged role player who has done the best he can with age and injury, and there’s not necessarily a narrative behind it other than he’s playing another season as one of the greatest athletes of this generation in his twilight.

Comments about doing nothing but just being go with the flow and watching golf videos and now a “23 seasons” patch that he’ll wear on his jersey have caused the rumblings of this possibly being his last year, but let’s be real: LeBron, the narrative bard maestro, would’ve likely had an entire season’s worth of production cooked up preseason in order to give this swan song the send-off it deserves.

Credit: Topps-Twitter/X

One of the funniest aspects of the retirement of some of the game’s legends going on retirement tours is the outlandish gifts they receive from other organizations to commemorate their memories and recognize their greatness, despite not having played for them.

David Ortiz got a destroyed bullpen phone from the Orioles and a jar of Skippy Peanut Butter from the Twins. Mariano Rivera got a rocking chair of broken bats and a sculpture of his face made out of sand. 

What would the 27 teams that LeBron didn’t play for ridiculously and appropriately commemorate to him after all of the years of the king in the league?

Atlanta Hawks // A Custom Grooming Kit From the In-Stadium Barbershop

Killer Mike, the rapper, has a barbershop in the Hawks arena, and despite being bald, LeBron had the show “The Shop” and neatly grooms that beard.

Boston Celtics // A Red Sox Hat

This would be a subtle jab since he is a part of Fenway Sports Group and vacillates between his Yankees and Cleveland Guardians fandom.

Brooklyn Nets // Tickets to a Jay-Z concert

Remember when Jay Z was in charge of marketing the Nets in Brooklyn, and we just forgot?

There’s nothing LeBron loves more than posting videos of himself rapping to his favorite rappers. He’d fanboy.

Charlotte Hornets // The clear mask where he scored 61 points against them

His career high (WHILE WEARING A BROKEN NOSE MASK) against a team that he’s currently 50-8 against. Woof.

Chicago Bulls // An Artwork of the Number 23 Made of Roses

Commemorates both him and MJ wearing the iconic number and pays homage to the brief Derrick Rose rivalry.

Dallas Mavericks // A Lifetime of Insurance to Baylor Medical Hospital

It would be a hilarious jab after he and Dwyane Wade made fun of Dirk for being “sick” in the 2011 Finals, which he would eventually lose in Dallas.

Denver Nuggets // A Horse From Jokic

The highest honor.

Detroit Pistons // Custom Oven Brick Pizza Oven

Detroit is essentially run by Little Caesars, and LeBron has dabbled in pizza with his Blaze Pizza investment.

Let’s get him a nice one for his mansion with his stats engraved on it.

Golden State Warriors // A 73 Made of the Golden Gate Bridge Metal

A nice sculpture as a tribute to beating the 73-win Warriors.

Houston Rockets // A Custom Cowboy Hat With His Signature Headband Embroidered Into It

Cowboy chic.

Indiana Pacers // A Windmill Fan Made Out of the Wood From the Lance Stephenson Series

Who could forget Lance Stephenson blowing in his ear in what was one of the best Eastern Conference rivalries of the 2010’s?

Los Angeles Clippers // Another Custom Banana Boat

It has to be from Chris Paul, since they recreated the photo.

Memphis Grizzlies // A Custom Vinyl Record

The Grizz have gone along with the hip-hop and soul branding of the city, so this would be a fine gift for the king.

Milwaukee Bucks // A Fine Cheese Collection

LeBron fashions himself as a wine expert, and this from the dairyland would be the best pairing.

Minnesota Timberwolves // A Prince-Esque Guitar

A Prince tribute for a king honoring the Minnesota native.

New Orleans Pelicans // Gold Custom Fishing Rods

Fishing in the bayou! You know, because he’s retired!

New York Knicks // Custom Spike Lee-Like Jacket

LeBron has long hailed MSG as the mecca of basketball and his favorite place to play, and Spike, in that iconic jacket courtside, is a large part of what makes playing in the Garden what it is.

Oklahoma City Thunder // Donation to the I Promise Schools Presented by Bill Hader

Bill Hader, one of the few famous Thunder fans, plays LeBron’s best friend in the rom-com Trainwreck, and one bit is that LeBron is actually very cheap.

A monetary donation from Hader would allow him to give a hat tip to that excellent joke in the movie.

Orlando Magic // Lifetime Pass to Disney World

With a presentation of him getting his “Mickey Mouse” ring in the COVID 2020 era bubble with the Lakers in Florida! And because LeBron is the family man.

Philadelphia 76ers // A Statue That Looks Like the Rocky One of Him Doing His Throw Pose, Presented by Dr. J

Credit: NBA Updates-Facebook

You’ve got the Philly element of the iconic statue, the Philadelphia figure he admired most, and the reason he wore the #6 in Miami, presenting it to him.

Phoenix Suns // Custom Golf Clubs

More retirement activities in a state with a ton of retired golfers after he talked about all of his golfing videos! Maybe throw in some books he could pretend to read on the luxury courses, too, no?

Portland Trail Blazers // A Fine Engraved Watch

An homage to Dame Time with some legendary statistics as a man who loves the finer things.

Sacramento Kings // A Crown With the Date of His Debut Engraved in It

It’s fitting for the man we hailed as the King, who played his first-ever game against the Kings out of high school and dropped 25/6/9/4 in 2003.

San Antonio Spurs // Cowboy Boots With His Logo on the Side

San Antonio could have easily played a jab with their Finals wins over him, but they’d play the neutral howdy y’all Texan card since he also has the miraculous Ray Allen shot in the deck as well.

Toronto Raptors // A 3D-Printed Model of a Lebronto Theme Park

The 6 has been nicknamed LeBronto, going back to the consistent playoff series of old, when DeMar DeRozan and Kyle Lowry would get so close yet so far from 2015-2018, when the Raptors showed promise, only to lose each series by a combined 12-2 to the king.

Utah Jazz // A Mountain Sculpture With the Face Engraved on It

With all of the Mt. Rushmore discussion that revolves around LeBron as one of the greats, let’s give him the weird gift with his face in the mountain from a team that has a name that has nothing to do with actual mountains.

Washington Wizards // An American Flag Stylized With Photos of His Olympic Moments Into It

LeBron is THE face of USA basketball, an honor he says he’s equally proud to be part of as in the NBA.