The MLB Summer Blockbuster Casting

Roll call!

Let’s align some MLB stars with where (and who) they would be cast as in a movie.

A-LISTER THAT YOU WILL SEE NO MATTER IF THE MOVIE IS GOOD OR NOT // Shohei Ohtani (Unicorn), Los Angeles Dodgers

The Los Angeles Dodgers are back-to-back World Series Champions with an embarrassment of riches that can sleepwalk through the regular season, as we saw last year. We’re seeing it a little again this year, where Blake Snell and Tyler Glasnow are out, they’ve never had a commanding lead over the Padres in the division, and they quite frankly have been relatively boring this season, where Andy Pages, not Mookie Betts, Freddie Freeman, Kyle Tucker, or Shohei Ohtani, has been their best hitter. That said, you’ll still want to watch every night.

Ohtani made a goal of winning the Cy Young this year just because he was bored, and it’s something he’s never done, and is now going deeper into games, he has an ERA below 1(!!!), and is still going to potentially hit a home run that sounds like a shotgun blast into the stands. Everyone will watch because his name is on the billing, like how old people will flock to the theater to see Denzel Washington in yet another Equalizer or something. Don’t take watching Ohtani for granted.

COMEDIC RELIEF SIDEKICK // Munetaka Murakami, Chicago White Sox 1B

Munetaka Murakami was already a hilarious addition to the baseball world by signing abroad with the Pope’s favorite team and immediately getting the White Sox hooked on bidets in the clubhouse. But now he’s a must-see in providing what can serve as the occasional laugh in the movies that makes a character a fan favorite. Murakami is objectively not good at making consistent contact and has a whiff rate that would be the highest among qualified hitters since 2008. But WHEN HE DOES MAKE CONTACT, it goes into Lake Michigan.

He is the new 3-true outcome batter, but his homers are absolutely magnificent as he’s taken the Chicago White Sox. This team was so dreadful that the only press releases used to be about their concessions, and now they’re one of the most entertaining teams in the American League, next to Montgomery and Vargas.

THE VILLAIN // Cam Schlittler, New York Yankees Pitcher

With the bland, ho-hum Captain America Boy Scout quotes that we get from Aaron Judge, who is clearly a nice guy who is media-trained to say all the right things, it’s nice that we finally have a Yankee who will lean into playing the heel and give us some quotes. Cam Schlittler, coming off his rookie season in which he had his “October moment” shutting down his hometown Red Sox, is looking like a bona fide ace on the staff. He’s already picking fights with them, though, saying things like “they picked the wrong guy to pick on!” and taking it personally, even verbally admitting, “We’re the Yankees, and everyone hates us! I enjoy it!” Be careful what you wish for, Cam.

He is unbelievable to watch with a Mariano cutter at just 25. But the moment he gets roughed up just once, he has supplied A LOT of ammo for the haters to use. Quite frankly, it’ll make October even more interesting because a movie is often only as good as its villain.

THE FAN SERVICE CAMEO // Byron Buxton, Minnesota Twins Outfielder

At the last trade deadline, the Twins had THE fire sale, offloading 10 of the 26 players on their roster. It was a stunner that both Joe Ryan and Byron Buxton, the two players with the most value, weren’t offloaded, but they remained Twins in what looked like a rebuilding year going into 2026. Buxton has always been the “he’s made of glass, and I truly hope nothing happens to him” player of this generation, given his talent, and at the beginning of the season, he carried the Twins to respectable numbers!

The Buck Truck had 15 home runs with no injuries! However, he’s recently been down with a hip injury again, and you took a look at the rest of the Twins roster and realized how much he carries the rest of the names in terms of watchability. He’s when they bring a fan-service cameo in to get fans to continue to show up to Target Field.

THE “I’M BUYING ALL OF THE STOCK IN THIS YOUNG ACTOR” PERFORMANCE // Kevin McGonigle, Detroit Tigers Infielder

This is the actor who gets a breakout performance at an early age, when you go, “Oh, this guy/gal is going to be a STAR going forward.” 

The Tigers may have gotten off to a nightmare start of a season where Tarik Skubal has been down, and they are trending towards being at the bottom of what was thought to be a very winnable AL Central, but the move they made to sign Kevin McGonigle to a massive extension when they’ve historically not paid anyone was the right move. The 21-year-old works deep into counts, has unbelievable fielding, is hitting almost .300, and simply has “the look” that you know it when you see it.

STUNTMAN // Chandler Simpson, Tampa Bay Rays Outfielder

The physical tools on Chandler Simpson are Tom Cruise, who wants to jump from a plane into a helicopter mid-flight to do his own stunts. Chandler Simpson has taken the traditionally personality-less Tampa Bay Rays and made them FUN. He has electrifying speed, and he puts the ball in play.

He’s going to have absolutely no power while doing so, but no one is better equipped to sign up for only the stunt parts of the job, given his speed and athleticism, and with more electricity.

THE TOM CRUISE “I MAY BE OLD, BUT I STILL GOT IT” AWARD // Bryce Harper, Philadelphia Phillies Outfielder

Speaking of Tom Cruise, there’s always the old guy who still wants to have the “I’ve still got it” moment in an action movie. Think of his romantic scenes with Jennifer Connelly in Top Gun: Maverick. Think of Brad Pitt being the washed driver who wants one last ride in F1. That’s the energy that Bryce Harper is bringing to this season. Not that he’s even that old, but his own team president literally said that he wasn’t elite anymore on a team of Phillies that is full of been-there-done-that familiar faces.

This is a 2-time MVP putting up a season with an OPS of .922 and slugging 12 homers with a middle finger headed towards his own team’s front office to say “I’m still here” as he drives off on a motorcycle to try and get his Phils back to the postseason, potentially for one last hoorah.