One Word Definitions for Each MLB Team’s Season

If you’re just joining the baseball season now that summer time is officially here, WELCOME! We have some catching up to do.

As a post-Memorial Day check-in, we can try and summarize the seasons thus far for all 30 teams in just one word to make it easy for you.

Arizona Diamondbacks: ALIVE?

The Arizona Diamondbacks continue to be just above .500 all year long, but are still significantly better than the Giants and Rockies in the division. They’re about 1.5 games back of the Wild Card, Ketel Marte hit a home run hot streak last week, Corbin Carroll has looked like an NL MVP Candidate, and the pitching has been good enough to keep them afloat before they get Corbin Burnes back.

We still remember the SNAKES ALIVE poster that propelled them to the World Series. Don’t count ‘em out!

Atlanta Braves: BACK!

Remember when we all were OUT on the Braves after we talked ourselves into them being a dynasty year after year since their World Series and they just kept getting injured or having bad luck? Yeah, that’s over.

They’re continuing to get injured (but will have reinforcements) and it just hasn’t seemed to matter. They’re back and one of the most complete teams in baseball that will only get better.

Baltimore Orioles: FLIGHTLESS

We thought maybe last year was just an odd regression year for an Orioles core that was young and held onto by Mike Elas because the ceiling was uncapped, and they still went an added Pete Alonso this offseason, but the story of the O’s season has been they have an atrocious record against any team with a winning record this year and blowing any lead when they have early momentum in games at all.

Boston Red Sox: LOOZAHS

The Red Sox lost their starting pitcher and arguably only reliable arm Garret Crochet as they proceeded to lose, fire everyone, and put Roman Anthony on the IL.

You would have thought they had only won 5 games this season the way the Boston media responded. Ironically, the AL is so poor that the Sox are still 2.5 back of the Wild Card. They feel like loozahs.

Chicago Cubs: STREAKING

The Cubs consistently have all eyes on them to try and recreate the positive vibes and energy back to somewhere as magical as Wrigley, especially when they’ve gone all-in on this core, and the emotions clearly impact the roster with how high and low the streaks have been to define their seasons. They’ve had multiple 10 game win streaks, then will get swept, or, in this case, lose 9 in a row and feel the need to sell everyone.

Chicago White Sox: BLESSED!

We found out the Pope was a White Sox fan and he’s blessed the Southsiders. They’re fun again. They’ve got Muramaki hitting tanks, Colson Montgomery and Miguel Vargas headlining a young core, and Davis Martin looking like an ace.

They’re ahead of schedule and in possession of a wildcard spot, and it doesn’t feel like a single season fluke.

Cincinnati Reds: HITLESS

The Reds could potentially have one of the best rotations in baseball with Chase Burns, Hunter Greene when he returns and is healthy, and Rhett Lowder figuring things out as an arm of the future, yet it is a BLESSING that they play at Great American Smallpark and can slug home runs, because they’re top 5 in homers and 29th in hits. Put the ball in play and use those Redlegs!

Cleveland Guardians: REBRANDED

These are, and aren’t, the Guardians that you know. The Guardians that you know have been the “we’re going to shop on the margins around Jose Ramirez, we’re going to be a pitching factory, hit very few home runs, but hit the ball in play because we’re smarter than you.”

They’re doing a little of that- they still get very few hits and are winning games by having very few strikeouts and drawing walks, but they’ve got an unreal young core now to build around Jose. Travis Bazzanna has been called up and is entirely built in a Guardians lab, Chase DeLauter set the league on fire in his rookie debut and continues to slug, and Parker Messick is going to be their arm of the future. The Guardians are young, fun, and may have their best roster since the 2016 World Series.

Colorado Rockies: R.R.R.

As in this is a rinse, recycle, repeat of a season where despite having young players that can hit this season like Hunter Goodman, Mickey Moniak, and Troy Johnston, it is still a repeat season because it’s impossible to pitch on the moon.

Detroit Tigers: MIRAGE

The Tigers had the single-highest odds to win their division heading into the year. It was all a mirage and they’re over 10 games below .500, and last season’s first half where they looked unstoppable looks like a fever dream.

They’re hoping while Tarik Skubal has been on the IL he has had his vision veiled in a mirage as well so that he forgets about this season and can re-sign in the offseason instead of being dealt at the deadline or leaving for nothing.

Houston Astros: ZAPPED

As in their unbeatable powers in the AL for the past decade feel like they were zapped by the Monstars Michael Jordan in Space Jam style.

Yordan Alvarez has still been an MVP candidate that is just a monster of a man that hits home runs, but the pitching being last in ERA, worse than the Rockies, puts them in a position where now no one goes into a series fearing Houston any more.

Kansas City Royals: ASLEEP

The meme of the season so far has been Royals’ top prospect Carter Jenson getting scratched from a game because he overslept and will never be able to live that down.

Unfortunately, the rest of the lineup aside from Bobby Witt Jr. has been asleep as well, and their pitching gives up a crushing amount of walks and doubles where they just never can wake up and have any sort of momentum in what could easily be an AL where playoff spots are available and up for grabs.

Los Angeles Angels: UNHOLY

Mike Trout is actually playing well again this year and is healthy, and once again, what they are doing to him by fielding the worst team in baseball is unholy. He signed what he wants to be a lifetime deal and defers requesting a trade every time (blink twice if they are holding you hostage, Mike) but maybe this season will be the last straw.

It’s also unholy to Angels fans, who actually do exist, that Arte Moreno has fielded a team that is not only bad, but bad to where we just don’t care about them.

Los Angeles Dodgers: SLEEPWALKING

This is going to be the exact season as last year for the Dodgers where they have such an embarrassment of riches that they can not even necessarily go on an impressive tear throughout the regular season and wake up in October.

Aside from Ohtani pitching and working towards getting a Cy Young, they haven’t even exactly been must-see TV with Snell, Glasnow, and Mookie frequently out, and they just ho hum their way into having the best ERA in baseball (which was their “WEAKNESS”). They’re still the Goliath.

Miami Marlins: PORPOISING

PORPOISING: leaps and dives out of water.

These fish are porpoising. As in the young fightin’ fish are on the rise. It’s another Marlins season where they’re behind in the standings of the other NL East teams, but they have enough of a lineup that have shown splashes (pun intended) where they can hopefully stop selling their talent and invest in this core.

Otto Lopez is your batting average leader! Xavier Edwards also is in the top 5 in hits and Liam Hicks is crushing runs in! Miami also moonlights as one of the best pitching factories in the league from a development standpoint, and let’s hope they finally hold on to the young arms they’ve got. PORPOISING.

Milwaukee Brewers: VINDICATED (AGAIN)

Every year we look at the small market Brewers that dominated the regular season and came up just short in the postseason and we say this is the year where the Brewer ball formula finally has their luck run out. And it never does. The Brewers are not only playing dominant Brewer ball with a bullpen that massacres the competition, they’re just a team that is so not fun to play against.

It’s the ultimate moneyball where they don’t even slug (29th) but they get on base, they steal bases aggressively and draw walks, and then when they’re pitching against you you get the least amount of plate appearances. Oh, and they have this Miz guy that has over 100 strikeouts already and throws over 100 mph in every at-bat. Have fun.

Minnesota Twins: PESKY

Somehow, the Twins team that traded away 10 players last deadline in order to shed payroll this year and rebuild in what was supposed to be a sad season, are in playoff position. You can attribute that to the AL and say it won’t last, but we’ve got a healthy slugging Byron Buxton and 3 quality starters in Joe Ryan, Taj Bradley, and Bailey Ober.

They’re pesky enough that you don’t fall asleep and group them with the bottom of the league like we thought we might this year.

New York Mets: METS-Y (DEROGATORY)

Take your pick on what you want to talk about: Lindor and Juan Soto not getting along and both being injured at different times, Marcus Semien, Jorge Polanco, and Bo Bichette not being able to get on base at a disturbing rate, or the youth not being able to pick up the slack when everyone has been injured? Oh, and they have the 2nd-highest payroll in baseball.

It’s feeling like one of those Mets seasons where everything that can go wrong on and off the field went wrong. This time there’s no Polar Bear Pete Alonso to get the vibes back.

New York Yankees: PERMISSABLE

As in it’s permissible to view them as dominant villains again. Aaron Judge has had some very ugly games as of late despite leading the AL in homers, but it’s been Ben Rice who looks like a top-10 hitter in baseball as his support system. They crush home runs to the short porch, leading the league, and then Cam Schlittler has proven to be a top 5 pitcher in baseball as an ace.

Gerrit Cole has returned to the best rotation in baseball, and now we’ve got some personalities and boisterous bleacher creatures that are feelin’ themselves that will fuel the Yankee Evil Empire vitriol this season.

Oakland/Las Vegas Athletics: DEFAULT

Are the A’s just going to be the de facto representative of the AL West because no one else wants it? Nick Kurtz, the BIG AMISH, is absolutely feared as a hitter in just his second year, but the A’s have hovered around .500 all season.

If Seattle, Houston, and Texas aren’t going to put the pedal to the medal at this rate, we’re getting playoff games at a minor league sandbox.

Philadelphia Phillies: DOUBTED

Everything was crumbling in Philadelphia when they were 9-19 and fired Rob Thomson, and since then they’ve only looked exactly like the Phillies we thought they’d be heading into this season. They’re 17-8, won 6 consecutive series, and Bryce Harper is back to being an MVP candidate.

Philadelphia the city as a whole only ever needs to be doubted to perform.

Pittsburgh Pirates: PASSING

The Pirates are being tested this year. In part, they’re being tested to finally be a team that can make the postseason, but they’re also being tested by Paul Skenes, who is on their own team. He’s a generational pitcher that just so happened to be signed by a Pittsburgh fan base starving for Bob Nutting to either sell the team or spend money to build a winning team. Skenes needs to see Pittsburgh as a long-term possibility, and thus far, they’re passing the test!

While they pretty much just shopped on the margins this offseason and then extended top prospect Konnor Griffin, the Buccos are hoisting top 10 pitching and top 10 hitting and are making the NL Central a WAR for that last playoff spot. The scary part, though, is while this may be true, they’re still hovering around .500 and need to do something else to inspire more belief in both the fan base and Paul.

San Diego Padres: UNSATISFIED

The San Diego Padres are the 6th-best team in baseball by record and feel unsatisfied and bored. Manny Machado has been abysmal aside from home runs and Fernando Tatis Jr. is on a historic homer-less streak.

With AJ Preller being the most-entertaining GM in sports, there’s already talk of them going after bullpen help even though they have Mason Miller, the best closer in baseball. Is the plan to just get the best bullpen ever assembled and let them mow down the other team after scoring one Gavin Sheets home run? After coming up short to the Dodgers year after year, the dissatisfaction makes no possibility off the table.

San Francisco Giants: RECKLESS

The biggest move of the offseason was hiring Tony Vitello, the college-based, experience-less manager from Tennessee. It was either Buster Posey thinking that he was big-brained and smarter than everyone else by doing something quirky and different or a reckless move that was going to come with a lot of blowback and growing pains right after they pulled a win-now move last year by trading for Rafael Devers.

Vitello, deserving or not, is taking all of the blame for a disastrous Giants start with an injured Logan Webb and Casey Schmidt being the only body that puts up runs for the worst offense in baseball, but the decisions they’ve made to try and do something new have gone from creative to just reckless and we’re seeing that in real time.

Seattle Mariners: DUMPER

As in Big Dumper and the Mariners have felt like a dumper this year after all of the good will of last year, making the ALCS and having the best offensive season for a catcher ever. There’s a potential for Raleigh to get back from the IL and look at least serviceable, but even the Mariners pitching staff that we thought was potentially one of the best in baseball in Kirby, Gilbert, Woo, and Castillo have all taken a step back and Emerson Hancock has been the only reliable arm.

The good news for the M’s is that they always start slow and they play in the AL West.

St. Louis Cardinals: LOOSE!

Do you remember the old school, “classiest fans in baseball” Cardinals that were buttoned-up and did things the right way? Do you remember when we thought they’d be boring this year in their rebuild where the highest-paid player was Dustin May?

ME NEITHER! The Cardinals are playing LOOSE and letting their hair down starting with the tarps off movement (which BELONGS to St. Louis as much as every other team has tried to do this, too). It kind of embodies that they had nothing to lose this year, with incredibly low odds to do anything of relevance after selling off Arenado, Sonny Gray, Contreras, and handing the reigns over to their young core, and that’s what they’ve needed to play with their shirts off.

Michael McGreevy and JJ Wetherholt are the new faces of the franchise, and the pitching staff may very well make the team crash back down to Earth, but right now they’re enjoying every bit of Jordan Walker’s home runs and winning in miraculous fashion as one of the most entertaining teams in the league.

Tampa Bay Rays: FUN (ACTUALLY)

The Rays are the best team in baseball and are actually doing so in a fun way! This isn’t your typical Rays team that wins games with just a computer and makes Blake Snell very mad that he gets pulled before the bullpen of guys you’ve never heard of take over. Chandler Simpson is a superhero stealing bases, Junior Caminero and Yandy Diaz are blasting home runs to light up the Trop, and they’ve got their ace back in Shane McClanahan.

This may be the best Rays team we’ve seen since the weird 2020 World Series appearance, and after the rumors that they once made a move to get Shohei Ohtani, the small-market Rays that win on the margins could best make the gap between them and the trailing Yankees further by making a win-now move.

Texas Rangers: FORGETTABLE

The Texas Rangers somehow have Jacob deGrom, one of the greatest pitchers when healthy of this generation, and are putting up one of the most unremarkable seasons that you’ve ever seen. Maybe it’s because deGrom and the (injured) star Corey Seager aren’t exactly dynamic personalities that led to Marcus Semien being shipped out, but there’s not a single thing they’ve done that’s been great this year aside from Brandon Nimmo looking like the fan favorite that he was when he was a Met.

DeGrom is at least healthy and playing, but has been roughed up with 10 earned runs the last two starts. Maybe Wyatt Langford will appear and not be a face on a milk carton eventually.

Toronto Blue Jays: INCOMPLETE

You could say incomplete, you could say injured, either I word works for Toronto. After being one of the few teams to look like they were really “going for it” this offseason with their additions to try and get back and exact revenge after being an out away from winning the World Series, here’s who all has been injured for Toronto this year: 15 DIFFERENT PROJECTED STARTERS! They’re an incomplete team having a nightmare season.

The grit of this team to only be 1 game behind a wild card spot is a testament to the organization, but it feels like there was so much meat on the bone still left here.

Washington Nationals: HALF

We thought that this rebuilding Washington Nationals team with a 33 year-old Drew Butera as manager was going to be abysmal and take a long rebuild. They’re at least HALF a good team this year! James Wood and CJ Abrams are crushing nukes and they score the most runs in baseball!

Sure, they give UP the most as well, but once they get the other half sorted out going forward and no longer have what was a very backwards, old school mindset in their locker room and training in place, the Nats already look ahead of schedule.