Preseason NFL Awards, as Told by Memes

We did it, everyone.

The NFL season officially kicks off tonight with a Super Bowl rematch of the Seattle Seahawks playing the New England Patriots (ON A WEDNESDAY!) at 8:20 P.M. EST.

We suffered through quarterback tier lists. We suffered through schedule releases and announcements. We suffered through preseason football. But from now until Valentine’s Day, there will be football (sorry, wives, girlfriends, and families). We’re even getting football in more countries and more days of the week, and we’ll likely have football every day forever.

That said, when it gets this close to the football season, we all love to make our awards, records, and Super Bowl predictions. It’s incredibly overdone and overused because everyone says the exact same thing with their prediction, either picking the exact same recycled bucket of teams and players to do well or prefacing a “hot take” with a “Now, I’m just saying, look out for _______!” in order to semi-commit to a prediction we’ve not seen before.

We’ll make predictions here using recycled things, too. But we’re giving preseason awards of the season told by viral memes.

The only way to tell the true story of the NFL offseason and the year to come.

The Michael Scott “I Am Ready to Get Hurt Again” Award // Los Angeles Chargers

It’s almost as if we become hypnotized by the beautiful powder blue uniforms that every single season we talk ourselves into the Chargers being the “dark horse” team, only for some sort of curse to happen to them, going back to the Philip Rivers era. Justin Herbert has fallen into that same trap: we love them on paper, they get riddled with injuries, and he has zero playoff wins to show for it. We’ve been burned by their beauty on paper so many times that we almost won’t even pick them until we see it again.

But man, it’s starting to look like that “the Chargers are dark horses!” team again. Herbert is a married man! They’ve only had one offensive line injury in the preseason! Mike McDaniel is going to be the offensive coordinator and unlock Herbert and the passing attack! The Chiefs are vulnerable in the division!

No question about it. We’re ready to get hurt again.

The “They’re the Same Picture” Award // Cincinnati Bengals, Dallas Cowboys, Chicago Bears

Joe Burrow throwing to Ja’Marr Chase and Tee Higgins. Caleb Williams in the Ben Johnson system throwing to Colston Loveland, Luther Burden, and Rome Odunze. Dak Prescott throwing the ball to CeeDee Lamb and George Pickens. Elite offenses that could potentially net you 30 points a game.

And we talk about them all the same way. “Yeah, but what if the defense gives up a million points? What is it all for?”

As depleted as these potential contenders are, one of them will have a defense that overperforms and defies our expectations; the question is who it will be.

The “Human Resources” Award // Bo Nix and C.J. Stroud

Bo Nix! You’re so sweet! It’s adorable that you were one of the worst college players at Auburn and turned it around with great play-callers, the best offensive line, and maybe the best defense in Denver!

C.J. Stroud? Human resources, please! We don’t want to see the #2 overall draft pick that is the reason this loaded Texans defense can’t make the Super Bowl!

Stroud and Nix are both in positions to take these supporting casts to the Super Bowl. Nix is coming off an AFC Championship appearance, but also a fractured ankle and a season where they won 11 one-possession games. C.J. is approaching a potential contract extension, and the last thing we saw was a 4-pick game to the Patriots in the playoffs, where DeMeco Ryans’s defense did everything it could to win. The crossroads and the perceptions of these two quarterbacks in their early twenties are entirely different, but who’s to say Stroud having Payton as his playcaller and Nix being in Houston behind that offensive line wouldn’t flip the narrative?

The Kronk “Oh, yeah, it’s all coming together” Award // Los Angeles Rams

Trent McDuffie. Myles Garrett. Aaron Donald coming back. Motivation from an NFC Championship loss. Sean McVay going completely alpha bro and probably doing nothing but pull-ups and yelling at servers at fine dining restaurants to get him a table in the offseason. Matthew Stafford having a chip on his shoulder from drafting Ty Simpson.

Oh yeah, it’s all coming together for the team in the city of stars. The dream team has been assembled. Every time this happens in sports, where a favorite gets all of the players they need to go all-in and is the new prohibitive “dream team,” they inevitably win the Super Bowl. It’s all coming together! Why even play the season?

The Flex Tape Meme Award // Kansas City Chiefs

The Chiefs are going to have a roster with 68-year-old Andy Reid, Patrick Mahomes coming off of a torn ACL and UCL, Travis Kelce at age 36 and married, and Rashee Rice rehabbing in prison. The solution to the problems? Throwing some flex tape over it and signing Kenneth Walker III to a 3-year contract! A running back that splits carries with Zach Charbonnet will do the trick!

The Gob Bluth “This Proved a More Difficult Dramatic Gesture” Award // The Dolphins, Browns, Jets, or Cardinals

Every season there is the expectation that the tanking teams will do whatever it takes to lose every single game and therefore secure the #1 draft pick, possibly getting Arch Manning, Dante Moore, or a savior quarterback.

The problem? It is almost impossible to tank in a sport so gladiatorial as football. It is like Gob Bloth trying to throw a piece of paper into the ocean over and over again to be dramatic only, or for it to fly back into his face. The expectation is that the Dolphins, Cardinals, Jets, and Browns all want to lose as much as they can (while still showing ethical growth) and be best positioned for next year. It just doesn’t work that way.

Remember when the Jets were trying to get Trevor Lawrence and accidentally beat the Rams 23-20 in 2020? That’s happening with somebody here. Malik Willis just signed a 2-year deal and wants to prove that he can actually win. Aaron Glenn is coaching for his job.

The Cardinals literally just had a contract standoff with Jacoby Brissett, and he gets to throw to Trey McBride. The Browns have some of the best pieces going forward, just not at quarterback.

Tanking in football is hard.

The “You Guys are Getting Paid?” Award // Seattle Seahawks

Ah yes, Will Poulter in We’re the Millers not getting any of the spoils of the… task at hand in the movie stemmed the meme.

The Seahawks won the Super Bowl last year, and on February 12th we started talking about 31 other teams. This may have to do with many, not even Seahawks fans, thinking Sam Darnold or the Seahawks were the best team in the league until they actually raised the trophy; no one is really a “villain” on this championship team, and, of course, the Rams have stolen the spotlight from every single other team in the league. We should all fear them, and the NFC West is wrapped up already now that Aaron Donald and Myles Garrett have assembled the A-Team.

Really, the only “celebrating” we’ve done towards the Super Bowl Champion has been that they’ve been on Hard Knocks, a show that lost relevance when every other streaming service created their own version, and the takeaway of the time with them has been “You know, Hard Knocks is actually not so bad with this team!” They get to go into the season as overlooked defending champions, which doesn’t happen too often.

The “This is Fine” Award // Philadelphia Eagles, New England Patriots, San Francisco 49ers

The dog sitting in the fire with a smile on his face, thriving in chaos, belongs to the offseason of chaos for a plethora of teams, where the fires are the story rather than the actual football.

You’ve got the Eagles trading AJ Brown to the Patriots because he doesn’t want to be there, and Nick Sirianni having to pivot to using AI to help create a game plan. The Patriots had their head coach get TMZ’d with a sideline reporter and show vulnerability chinks in the armor of Mike Vrabel, a man we thought was impenetrable from his linebacker shell. And the 49ers have had a haunted practice facility, injuring all of their players, with Kyle Shanahan getting into a car accident. Their owner getting arrested in a sting operation like he’s a political villain in The Wire.

All of this drama, or fire, is going to make us count every single one of these teams out despite the Eagles making three Super Bowls this decade, the 49ers making two since 2020, and the Patriots being reigning AFC Champions.

And you know what? At least one of them is going to thrive in this and say, “This is fine.” There’s nothing these teams love more than being the “nobody believed in us!” team.